[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Psychics tell of urgent messages from Satan
A psychic who claims to be able to follow the whereabouts and goings on of Satan says the Lord of the Underworld is tickled pink to be wreaking tremendous havoc upon the earth. However, the psychic warns that Beelzebub knows his time is coming to an end soon and is therefore stepping up his game before being cast into the bottomless pit.
Wanda Wicstein, 67, a psychic who tells fortunes in Cassadaga, Florida, claims she has been receiving messages from Satan ever since she was a little girl. She claims she is one of the very few psychics in the world who can even understand the ramblings of the most frenetic and diabolical Accuser.
“He’s quite a character,” she said, “and when I first came across him, he scared the bejeezus out of me,” said Wanda. “But for some unknown reason, he never turned his anger toward me. Instead, he allowed me to keep tabs on him. Possibly it’s his huge ego. Can’t be wreaking all that havoc and not getting any credit for it. Drives him up a wall,” she said smiling.
Wicstein says that when she first encountered Satan, he bragged incessantly about the evil he bestowed upon Adolph Hitler. “It was Holocaust this, and Holocaust that, like it was the best thing since sliced bread,” she said, rolling her eyes skyward.
Wicstein claims she’s watched Satan stumble a bit. “Most people don’t know how disappointed Satan is that the Donald didn’t make final cut for President of the United States, or how he’s tried but has not yet been able to accomplish a massive earthquake measuring at least 10.0 on the Richter scale.
“However, that doesn’t keep him from trying,” she said.
“At present,” says Wicstein,” Satan is quite proud of his ability to make men turn on each other in profound ways,” referring to the recent rash of drug-crazed, flesh eaters.
“The beastmaster almost didn’t release that act of depravity into our consciousness as he thought no one in their right minds would believe open cannibalism exists among civilized men.”
When it came to answering some of the hundreds of questions such as what Satan looks like, what he wears, what his favorite foods are, Wanda wasn’t really able to say.
“He speaks to me in my head,” she said. “He’s quite crafty. I’ve asked him repeatedly to show himself to me and allow me to draw him, but he always replies, ‘No, my little minion, I’m quite happy with the red face and horns your people have bestowed upon me. It’s a nice look.’”
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