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Being on Steroids

Jun 292012
 
 By , June 29, 2012

Being on steroids is like:

Normal…during a high-speed chase.

Arnold Schwarzenegger on helium.

being on steroids

Photo by mensatic, MorgueFile

Looking into a cracked mirror and still being able to see a whole face.

Trying to call into work sick and then realizing you don’t have a job anymore.

Being drunk in the middle of the night and calling every girl in your black book, only this time you actually speak coherently when asking for a blow job.

Cheese and crackers, cheese and crackers, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine.

Working on a chain gang by yourself.

Being the shiniest ornament on the Christmas tree.

Wishing you had just a few more days of treatment so you could bang out that masterpiece you’ve been meaning to write before the end of the week.

Talking in texting.

Playing ping pong…alone.

Having George Thorogood’s song “Who Do You Love?” playing over and over in your head and when you finally try to switch, the only other song you can think of is Devo’s “Whip It.” And you can’t switch back.

Apples and oranges…swirling in a blender.

A caffeine high without the coffee.

Hang gliding…in space.

Oh crap, it’s 2 a.m.????

Eating marijuana brownies and washing them down with rocket fuel.

Sibling rivalry, and you’re an only child.

A three-martini lunch chased with a 5-hour energy shot.

A perfect excuse for everything you say or do. “Oh, did I just call you a bitch? So sorry, it’s the steroids talking.” “No, I didn’t mean to bite your face off. It must be those damn steroids.”

Wile E. Coyote after realizing there’s no more mesa.

Finally being able to appreciate the complexities of multiple personality disorder.

Crap, but a helluva lot better than not being on steroids.

 

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P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once-brilliant nation. If you like her posts, become a follower and leave a comment. And don't forget to share on Facebook, Twitter and other social accounts! Syndicated from her I Said Laugh, Dammit blog.

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