[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Data boom causes the great internet oracle Google to look for new ways to expand
Internet giant Google has come up with a solution to its data storage problems. The exponential growth in the use of the Internet has caused many of the top web site facilities to experience excruciating problems with where to put all the billions of bits of info that people the world over log into the web every minute of every day. Now Google has come up with a solution it believes is viable.
The website giant will shortly become even more giant by leasing space in peoples heads for it’s data. Psychologists and scientists have long surmised that the human race only uses a tenth of their brains true capacity. This leaves an astonishing amount of data storage just walking around the streets unfilled and untapped. Google has sunk $75 million into the amazing new science of neurosurgical (no, this word is not yet in Spell-check. Like I said, it is an ‘amazing NEW science’) Scientists have devised a means of information inputting by means of a USB port on the back of people’s necks that ties in directly with the nerves running through the cerebellum that connect to the richest storage veins of the cerebrum.
Certain nationalities seem to have vast pools of people with amazing amounts of storage room available, especially Americans, Mexicans, Italians and Pakistanis. Specific celebrities and famous people such as Britney Spears, the entire Kardashian clan, Ozzy Osbourne fans and the guy who supposedly launched his kid into the air in a balloon in Colorado are being offered top dollar for the the use of their brains. A lot of ‘data depots’ have been solicited by ads put on daytime TV, the viewers that time of day having brains that are a literal gold mine of storage space. Jerry Springer addicts are especially sought after. Unfortunately, this doesn’t seem to work for people who read People magazine or any of the other celebrity so called magazines or those who watch soap operas on a daily basis because their minds are already so filled with worthless trivia that they cannot accept any new information, especially if it has any real intelligence to it.
Unfortunately some nations are having difficulties finding acceptable storage tanks….er,….people who can take on the abundance of data which must be distributed. In Germany it is being found that the citizens are already so inundated with schooled information that their heads tend to explode when more is put in. Russians in general immediately reject any attempt to put new info in and the brains of the French derail it by poo-pooing any unfamiliar data that they don’t recognize as being of Gaelic origin.
Initial experiments with this idea have had mixed results. For some strange reason the information put in tends to pop back out immediately when imputed into the brains of rap music enthusiasts, skateboarders, Walmart shoppers, snowboarders, tattoo enthusiasts, video game addicts, porno watchers and real estate agents. Meanwhile, math and history teachers, professional poker players, model ship builders, baseball history experts, Trivia Pursuit enthusiasts, superhero comic book readers and fans of ‘The Big Bang Theory’ seem to soak it all up like a sponge.
Scientists have tried hooking up to Lindsey Lohan, but find that whatever drug she is using fries out their hard drives when they plug her in.
Google has approached former President George W. Bush to be a donor, but has been repeatedly shooed off by his Secret Service guards.
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