[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
This year, the infamous gathering at the Bohemian Grove will include activities for those unsalted crackers who want to embrace their feminine side
The secret is out. This weekend the most powerful and influential men in the country will gather in secrecy (well, before everyone knew about it) in an encampment located in Monte Rio, California called the Bohemian Grove, to embrace their ability to do, say, and eat anything they desire. To, in effect, act out their most basal desires without fear of retribution from the outside world.
While drum circles, sadistic rituals, and pissing contests are a given on the agenda, this year the guys have decided to add some new activities that will surely appeal to the feminine side of some of the attendees.
“This weekend has always been about letting go of our inhibitions and doing unmentionable things we could never get away with in public,” said Bartholomew Hollingsworth, one of the hosts of the Bohemian Grove gathering.
“This weekend, we are really pushing the envelope and including activities for the members of our group who want to embrace their feminine side but are hesitant to do so for fear of facing public scrutiny.”
The new activities will include fashion and cosmetic makeovers, body painting, mud bathing and, when the sun sets, pillow fights. Up until this year, all of the activities planned were centered around men and their masculinity. Dog fights, hazing rituals including red-hot pokers and bloodletting were, and still are, practiced, but some of the members began to feel left out.
“I wanted so much to fit in,” said Reginald Berringer, a billionaire from Round Hill, North Greenwich, Connecticut, “but I just fainted at the sight of blood, and, while the theatre presentations left me breathless, I couldn’t really get into some of the subjects. I would retire early when they began showing old Chuck Norris films,” he said wistfully.
Berringer says he finally realized that if something didn’t change, he wouldn’t be participating in future events. Hollingsworth heard those complaints loud and clear and this year decided to do something about it.
“We’ve hired some of the best make-up artists and fashion stylists in the country to come in on our dime and give our guests complete makeovers. They will bring with them some of the most beautiful gowns Hollywood has ever seen, and we’ll give those guys whatever they need to make them feel like they are getting the royal treatment,” said Hollingsworth.
“And then, when the sun goes down and we have drank our last drop of blood from the goblets, we’ve decided a good old-fashioned pillow fight might just be the perfect ending to a perfect day of camaraderie,” he added.
“After all, this is our weekend to let our hair down, howl at the moon, and allow ourselves the freedoms we can’t possibly condone in the real world,” said Hollingsworth.
“Yes, the times they are a changing,” chimed in co-host Frederick du Champs.
“Thank goodness this year we’ve done away with the jello wrestling and replaced it with some much-needed microdermabrasions.”
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