[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘We only splice organic genes’ says Monsanto CEO
The biotech giant Monsanto today declared that all of their GMO (Genetically Modified Organism) crops are officially organic.
“Since we start with only the finest organic genes, anything we do to them is irrelevant. They were still grown organically,” said Monsanto top dog Hugh Grant, who himself was genetically modified to create the perfect, unblemished bald head of a CEO.
“Yeah, they rearranged my genes a bit, so what? After all, look at the competition I was up against!” said Grant, referring to the actor with the same name.
“Environmentalists are succeeding in spreading ill will against us — we had to adjust our strategy,” said Grant, his flawless round dome shining in the sun. “So we took a fresh look at our fresh, never-rotting produce, and realized, hey, this stuff is ‘organic!'”
The giant corporation is apparently not worried that the FDA will overrule their organic status.
“Oh, come on,” explained Grant, “when was the last time those toothless lap dogs ruled against us?! They’re mostly our guys anyway.”
“Besides, even if they do dare to deny us organic status, we’ll just throw some extra cash at our reps in Congress, and they’ll fix it. They always do. Face it, GMO is now organic, baby!”
But environmentalists warn of dire consequences.
“What if he has more children? Will their enhanced bald heads have an unfair advantage?” said Michael Brune, Executive Director of the Sierra Club.
Although farmers worldwide continue to protest and file suits against Monsanto, the corporation maintains there is nothing to worry about with GMO crops.
“These crops are 99.9% the same as other organic crops,” says Rick Cole, a Monsanto scientist. “In most cases, we’ve changed one little gene is all. Although the altered plant does produce strange proteins, and proteins have been implicated in cancers, I wouldn’t worry your little heads about it. Let our perfectly-shaped, scientifically-enhanced heads worry about it.”
“Heck, if you doubt our work, just look at the superweeds our powerful technology creates. Now that’s some tough stuff, and we weren’t even trying to make those!” he said.
Short video on Monsanto’s reaction to scientists who speak out against them, including previous employees:
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