[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
A new startup company by the name of PharmaPend is in the business of seeking out passed over and forgotten scientific patent filings and developing them into name-brand products. The bulk of their treasure lies in the US. Patent Office where they claim that 95-99% of patents filed by universities never see the light of day. The founders of the company believe that one such discovery may soon allow America to take over the number one spot in the world in education from its fierce rival, China.
A patent for ‘smart’ chewing gum has not only been found, but the formula has been developed into a usable product that is now being tested on a select group of private school students in Hanover, Maryland.
“We’re not really sure how the gum works,” said Camden Goldegger, co-founder of PharmaPend, “but we have some of the best scientific minds in the business developing this particular brand of gum and we’re basically down to just throwing it against the wall to see if it sticks.”
Goldegger says he has tried the gum and, although he possesses an average IQ, claims he actually felt himself getting smarter as he chewed. “For the first time, I was able to outsmart my Smartphone,” he said.
“I’m not sure I can explain it in terms the average person would understand,” said Goldegger. “I guess you’d have to chew a stick yourself to understand how I came up with my evaluation of the gum.”
If preliminary tests are any indication—students who have chewed the gum a half hour before testing have received perfect scores on Math, English, and Science tests—it could mean that soon America will be on top in education in the world, a feat never before realized in modern times.
Asked if the gum is safe or if there are any side-effects, Goldegger was quick to answer.
“You know, come to think of it, I did develop a burning rash on my scalp while chewing the gum, and I had difficulty swallowing for about a half hour after the gum lost its fresh minty taste, but honestly, that is a small price to pay for educational exceptionalism,” he said.
Goldegger was also asked if the gum had a lasting effect on a student’s intelligence or if it merely made a person smart for the amount of time the chemical compound remained in a person’s system.
He replied, “We don’t really know, nor does it make much difference so long as we are able to look and act intelligent when necessary.” Then added, “But if anyone can come up with a better solution for solving our nation’s decline in educational standards without the use of this gum, I’m all ears.”
In a related story, PharmaPend is working on a new medication called the ‘Perception Pill’ which, according to the description filed with the patent, is capable of changing the perceptions of anyone who takes the pill so that their reality is temporarily modified to believe just about anything suggested. Coupled with the ‘smart’ chewing gum, these two compounds could undoubtedly change the way Americans are perceived on the World Stage forever.
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