[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Guns don’t kill people, crazy fools we let buy them do’ — Charlton Heston’s zombie
The iconic movie matinee idol Charlton Heston has risen from the dead like a neo Jesus Christ to stick up for his National Rifle Association buddies after a gunman shot 70 people, killing 12 including children, at a midnight Batman movie premiere in the Denver area close to Columbine.
Rolling in his grave at the thought of another injustice to his beloved gun club, he arose to make damn sure that didn’t happen. Just like he did after the Columbine High School shootings, a short ways away from the Century 16 Theater where the latest killings took place, Heston came to make sure that no danger from anti-gun sentiment would infest the normally gun loving attitude of Coloradoans and ruin profits for NRA gunsmiths.
The NRA, surprised by his appearance, were quick to support their old guru even though he was pretty whiffy after four years in the grave. A Hollywood makeup artist was quickly flown out to patch up the star of The 10 Commandments and Planet of the Apes who in his present state of decay would definitely never be allowed to star in a movie or even get in to see one.
In a new NRA tactic to nip in the bud any damage to the NRA’s profit making ventures, Charlton Heston will be making speeches next to the funerals and burials of the people killed and in the hospitals where the 62 injured are being treated.
He repeated his famous battle cry from the last time he was in the area: “You’ll have to pry this from my dead, cold hands,” except in this case his hands really were cold and dead. NRA officials then had to shut him up as he started to say, “Shoot anti-gun people and liberals instead!” — although their hearts weren’t really in it.
In an interview with the Century 16 Cinema owner, he mentioned that he was angry that the killer snuck into the theater using an exit rather than paying for a ticket.
In a related event Ronald Reagan was also rolling in his grave, but concerned officials managed to put a large boulder atop it before he got out.
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