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Bert and Ernie: The Prenup

Jul 222012
Bert and Ernie: The Prenup

By Roz Warren and Janet Golden

Now that President Obama has endorsed gay marriage, it will soon become legal everywhere in America, including, of course, Sesame Street, which means Bert and Ernie can finally tie the knot! Their just-signed prenup was leaked to us by a Muppet whose identity we’ve promised not to reveal, in return for a batch of warm chocolate chip cookies. We’ve learned that, should the couple ever break up:

Bert and Ernie prenupErnie will stay in the marital domicile on Sesame Street. Bert gets the condo on Avenue Q.

Bert gets the Streisand albums. The Scissors Sisters CDs go to Ernie.

The parties will share joint custody of the rubber ducky. The rubber ducky will go with Ernie on Thanksgiving and Christmas, and with Bert on Hanukah and Kwanzaa.

Bert gets to keep the diamond-encrusted unibrow waxing kit given to him by Ernie as an engagement gift.

All vertically striped shirts acquired during the course of the marriage go to Bert. All horizontally striped shirts go to Ernie.

Bert promises not to mention Ernie’s illegitimate child Elmo during interviews on “The View.” Ernie will not interfere should Bert desire to join the cast of “The Real Househusbands of Sesame Street.”

Custody of the letters A, Q, H and W go to Bert. Custody of the numbers 2, 3, 7 and 9 go to Ernie.

Ernie will refrain from mentioning Bert’s therapy for OCD in connection with his out-of-control paperclip and bottle cap collecting, as well as his obsession with the letter W. Ernie will no longer be responsible for debts incurred by Bert in his pursuit of the perfect paperclip for his collection.

Song royalties, as well as the extensive collection of Muppet Porn, will be divided equally. (Except for “Fifty Shades of Felt,” which goes to Ernie’s mom.)

Sales of Muppet sex tapes to tabloids are strictly forbidden.

The parties will attend Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Fourth of July Barbecue on alternate years.

Both parties promise to treat each other with courtesy and respect, and, despite any relationship troubles they may have experienced there, to continue to tell others how to get to Sesame Street.

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Roz Warren Roz is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.

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  • kate

    Great piece!

  • Just One Boomer (Suzanne)

    At my age, I only just remember the Sesame Street characters from having watched it over and over and over 20 years ago. If I ever get to watch it with my as yet un-conceived (as far as I know) grandchildren, it will be with new eyes. Ha!!

  • upwalker

    Yes, unfortunately marriage equality will also bring divorce equality. This clever and hilarious piece is spot on and yet, i feel deeply sad to read about their divorce before having contemplated or read about their marriage and many year of happy times together.

  • kelly

    fifty shades of felt! haha!