[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Johnny B. Rotten, a writer who makes his living making fun of the people who make the world an interesting place to live, has officially been banned from covering the 2012 Olympics in London. Rotten is accused of illegal use of steroids while penning some articles leading up to the games.
“He is completely out of his mind when he’s on steroids,” claims one writer who, before now, had nothing but the utmost respect for one of the best satirists in America.
“His sense of humor is spot on,” said Weldon Moron, a writer for the online magazine Laughin’ Times. “There is no one I know who can squeeze the irony out of a situation like Johnny can, but when he’s on the juice, watch out. No one in his path is safe from the slings and arrows he slings, or whatever–you know what I mean.”
Among the more egregious things Rotten wrote to get himself banned from writing satire on the Olympics are:
Calling the entire women’s volleyball team a bunch of used up beach sluts, a move Rotten himself admits was totally unnecessary and not all that funny now that he looks back on the story; and
Bringing back the entire Michael Phelps bong controversy, a story which Rotten believes isn’t all that ironic anyway considering how many other satirists have done the same thing while not even under the influence of steroids.
“Hey,” claims Rotten, “I write satire. What kind of writer would I be if I let these stupid lapses in judgment just slide?”
Still, when asked if he thought it was worth a few chuckles to get himself banned, Rotten answered, “Absolutely. Just about anything in my line of work is fair game. But,” he added, “I forgot that those idiots on the Olympic Committee don’t have a sense of humor. That, and the steroids is what tripped me up big time.”
This isn’t Rotten’s first run in with covering sporting events and being denied a press pass due to steroids.
“I’m the one who put the bug in Roseanne’s ear to spit and scratch herself at the end of singing the National Anthem back in the 90’s. What a great bit of satire that was,” said Rotten, chuckling.
“Too bad the people watching it didn’t see it the way me and Rosie did.” [It was later revealed that both Rotten and Roseanne were high on steroids when developing the National Anthem bit.]
“Actually, still makes me laugh when I see it, but again, those sports people just aren’t endowed with much of a sense of humor.” [Note to self—do story on poorly endowed sports figures].
Rotten has filed an appeal with the Olympic Board, but is doubtful a decision will be handed down before the end of the Olympics. In the meantime, he says he’ll go back to LA and write crap for Celebitchy and Perez Hilton’s Blog.
“Sure, it’s the bottom of the heap, but those people at least have a sense of humor and don’t care how the hell I come up with my material or what I’m on when I’m writing it as long as I make a deadline.”
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