[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Wants to show more countries ‘How we roll in the US’
Mitt Romney, after triumphantly sharing his expertise with the Brits, promoting World War III in Israel, and telling “killer Pollack jokes” — as he put it — in Poland, says he’s on a roll, and wants to extend his world tour.
“I’ve never felt so good. Sharing our greatness with all these little countries is not only fun, it’s good for our national pride,” said Romney, the presumptive Republican party nominee for president. “Everyone knows Obama is a wimp around foreign leaders.”
Romney made the statement to American journalists in a press conference this morning, apparently without discussing it with his campaign first. Standing behind Romney, Matt Rhoades, his campaign manager, appeared to get weak in the knees, nearly buckling.
Later, Rhoades said, “Well, Mitt likes to surprise us, keep us on our toes. Nothing is set in stone, we’ll have to evaluate our options.” Sweating profusely, he then loosened his tie and took a deep breath.
“To put it bluntly,” he said, “I need to talk some sense into the nitwit.” As the pool of reporters broke out in laughter, he briskly walked away, but not before adding: “And you guys can kiss my ass!”
After impressing all of Britain with his knowledge of staging successful Olympic Games, Romney got to meet some regular citizens. One, a Christopher Ashdown of Canterbury, told him, “We really think you’re a first class wazzack, a blooming barmy pillock, even.”
“I think he was really impressed with me,” said Romney later.
In Poland, Romney spoke on Polish national television, saying, “You people have a nice little country here, and we know you all just want to emigrate it to America. We can’t blame you, it’s done well by Ann and I, as long as we keep our money elsewhere. In fact, we’d like to show some love and deposit a few mil here, but you really need to loosen up your banking laws a bit first.”
As he made it known to other national leaders that he’d like to visit, all said they’d have a very hard time clearing their schedules.
“I really think Mr. Romney should pass us up on this trip,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel. “To be honest, I’m afraid he’d spark riots in the streets.”
Merkel made her remarks after Romney had told reporters, “I like Germany, for example. Those people really know how to bake. I understand they even shared ovens with millions of their prisoners in World War II. How nice.”
Regarding France, Romney said, “I hear those French presidents really know how to get women. Maybe he could learn a thing or two from my culture about keeping multiple wives.”
French President Francois Hollande was quoted as saying, “He seems like a nice enough man. Maybe he’d like to visit us after the election, when the pressure will be off, and he’ll have plenty of time to visit as a regular US citizen.”
Before ending his press conference, Romney said, “I’d also be willing to share my expertise in creating jobs with these foreign leaders. China could use more.”
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