[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
But with no intelligent life found yet, Curiosity set to continue mission
Newt Gingrich pledged as a presidential candidate that if he was elected president, he would build a moon base by the year 2020. He even went so far as to say that if 13,000 Americans were to inhabit the base eventually, they could apply for statehood. While voters in the primaries ultimately rejected him, Gingrich did demonstrate an insatiable curiosity for space exploration.
Enter the Curiosity Mars mission. The former Speaker of the House was obviously more serious about human space travel than many thought, actually managing to outflank NASA itself.
Yes, the Newt has landed, astonishing everyone. The move is reviving his campaign, and he hopes to ride the accomplishment all the way to the White House in a renewed bid for the presidency.
Gingrich is using the free airtime provided by Curiosity’s seventeen cameras to make an unanticipated pitch for a surprise presidential nomination at the upcoming Republican convention.
Aides say he feels that his bold ideas for a new Mars colony and eventual statehood — combined with Romney’s poor showing on the campaign trail so far — will generate a revolt at the convention and put him on top for the nomination.
“When he heard about the NASA mission,” said Gingrich aide Rick Tyler, “he had a brilliant idea — Mars colony! Of course, we all support him. At least until the money runs out.”
Apparently, Gingrich’s billionaire supporter, Sheldon Adelson, is still behind him, despite rumors that he was now contributing to Mitt Romney’s Super PAC. His support has enabled the candidate’s daring, risky and quite expensive space-age campaign ploy, and could turn the GOP convention on its ear.
“We don’t know how he did it,” said Allen Chen, deputy head of the rover’s descent and landing team at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory near Los Angeles.
“It took a huge effort by thousands of scientists to make this perilous trip with the Curiosity rover, but when it got there, Newt was waiting for it. The guy is nothing, if not determined.”
Scientists are now trying to piece together how the perpetual presidential candidate was able to get to Mars. Evidence shows that Gingrich used the moon as a stepping stone. New photos show footprints that were not there before, and which are his exact shoe size.
“I never give up,” Newt told the world via Curiosity video, beamed back early this morning. Holding a ‘Newt 2012’ sign, he said, “That’s why I’d make a great president. Elect me, and together we’ll make Mars the 51st state!”
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