[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Conspiracy theorist wastes no time debunking Curiosity Mars landing
Alex Jones, a radio personality most noted for his conspiracy theories, has come out just hours after NASA announced the safe Mars landing of its Curiosity rover and labeled it a fake.
“Just who does NASA think they are dealing with?” Jones asked as he proceeded to count down (no pun intended) the evidence leading to his conclusion about the latest space mission.
“First of all, correct me if I’m wrong, but NASA has been defunded. So just how would a $2.6 billion dollar mission be funded? Yeah, I know, corporate backing and all that, but, come on folks…corporate guys aren’t that stupid. They aren’t gonna lay out the dough for a space mission that had a 70% probability of failure.”
Asked where he got his figures, Jones said he can find anything if he looks hard enough, even if he has to make it up. “I’m pretty much in the ballpark,” he said. “At least I think I am.”
Jones asked his audience “Do you really think the President is gonna OK a mission like this less than four months before the election?”
Jones claims Obama’s top advisers actually came up with the ‘Wag the Dog’ type Mars spectacular to take the heat off his (Obama’s) plan to de-industrialize the coal industry in order to send energy rates soaring.
“News like that can kill any plans for re-election,” said Jones.
“So, to take the heat off his failed economic and energy plans, let’s just assume the President is willing to spend a few million more of taxpayers’ dollars to get some MIT students to build a convincing-looking rover, hire a good director and special effects firm, and produce a helluva Mars landing on some set in Hollywood.”
“Hell, for that matter, I wouldn’t be surprised if all they really spent was a couple hundred bucks to hire some half-way decent photoshop guru to doctor up a photo of the Painted Desert and pass it off on us as a successful Mars landing.”
Jones claims that the videos of NASA scientists clapping and cheering as the alleged rover touched down on Mars are eerily similar to those he remembers from the movie “Contact.”
Jones then ended his show discussing the conspiracy theories surrounding Dick Cheney’s unbelievably long life after several heart attacks and a heart transplant.
“No human heart can survive that, so I’m gonna throw something out there, folks,” said Jones. “Robots. MIT students. Bionics.”
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