[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘I just got sick of babysitting a nation of crybabies’
President Obama shocked the nation when, at his monthly public address last night, he announced that he was quitting the Presidential race. Millions of voters across the nation were either shocked, angered or joyous at the incident. As you can probably guess, it was the Republicans who were joyous.
Here is the text of his address:
“To get to the important part of what I have to say I’ll get the speech stuff over with first. The country is in lousy shape. What do you expect? I got handed a bag full of crap when I got into office and people expect me to turn it into gold. Guess what? I am not an alchemist. Neither are any of the other people who campaigned this term. If Michelle Bachman would have gotten in she would have turned it into high density crap.
“Getting on with what I really want to say — I am quitting the Presidential race. I have had it up to my neck with it and beyond. I am tired of trying to please a bunch of people who have no appreciation for what it takes to run a country and to try to pull it out of a financial nosedive.
“We have become essentially a nation of babies who have had it good for decades and now have to face hard times and expect me to be the magician who pulls them out of it. I am not a magician, neither is Romney. I am not a Merlin who can wave a magic wand and make everything all right. You people would find something to whine about even if Jesus Christ were President and made miracles happen. If He were here and waved His hand and got everybody have a house and enough money and a brand new car, most of you would start bitching that the money wasn’t enough, the house wasn’t on the beach and the car isn’t a Lexus.
“Since the day I got into office the Republicans have done nothing but kneecap me every step I take. They say they are true Americans but it is interesting that everything they wrap the flag around and say is All American and shouldn’t be touched is something that either brings them profit or power. They are more into fascism than democracy. And they certainly aren’t into uniting a country.
“Everybody wants healthcare but how many are willing to start taking care and responsibility of their own health so that the system doesn’t get overburdened? Few. Everybody want so keep eating their biggie sized McDonalds meals until their blood vessels burst and then they want to come running to the Government to fix them back up.
“Everyone wants to pay less taxes, but come an emergency or they fall into need of housing, food, medicine or something who is the one they run to? Big Daddy government, that’s who. And big government ain’t gonna stay big for long if nobody supports it.
“I am tired of being a babysitter for a populace of people who refuse to help themselves. You want everything but refuse to help yourselves or to support governmental programs.
“So, as of this day I am pulling a Sarah Palin and leaving office. You can pass your whining and bitching on the next person. I am packing up my family and heading back to Hawaii where people know who to kick back and take life for what it is.
“And I would suggest that for anyone else coming along wanting the job that you first have them checked out by a psychiatrist for wanting it in the first place. As for me, I’ve had enough, goodbye! And God Bless America.”
With that, the now ex-President Barack Obama left the stage and went back to the White House to pack.
Presidential contender Mitt Romney, upon seeing the news coverage of this unprecedented event, stated “ Holy crap, he is right!” and dropped out of the race himself. Chaos ensued when it was realized that there was essentially no working government in the United States. However, some pundits speculate that after a few weeks the American people might come to like it, and, like Belgium, which went without a working government for two years, could begin to enjoy not having one.
Postscript: Both Obama and Romney, now no longer having to worry about beating each other to death in the ratings poles, have become good fishing buddies and can often be seen together casting a line in lagoons around the Big Island.
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