[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Sinead O’Connor becomes first Popess and more: Europe and News of the World in 2020
News of the World highlights: Reuters — April 1, 2020:
SWITZERLAND – The once wealthy nation of Switzerland, still refusing to join the EU, has suffered yet another downturn in it’s economy. At one time the jewel of Europe and one of it’s wealthiest countries in the world this small land is suffering its blackest financial year yet as the last bulwark of its economy, the Swiss Cuckoo Clock Factory has had to lay off 50% of its employees. Said a company spokesman who prefers to remain anonymous “Those damn digitals have finally done us in!”
Also hurting is the countries Swiss Army Knife Factory as the world fixation with switchblades has destroyed their exports.
An emergency move has been made by the Zurich city government to charge sales tax on drug sales as a way of raising necessary funds.
VATICAN CITY, ITALY – Her Holiness Sinead I, the first Popess of the Catholic Church, was unable to appear in the traditional Sunday spot of her library window to address the masses assembled there. She was ‘having her monthly’ according to Church officials.
LUXEMBOURG – The emergence of Luxembourg as a nuclear power has raised tensions throughout Europe. When asked about the necessity for such arms in such a small country especially after the easing of tension since the cold war ended two decades ago, the Luxembourg President Jean d’Kue answered “We do need to keep up appearances, you know!”
U.S.A. – When asked by an interviewer his impression of the tendency in America for movie stars to become politicians Vice President Arnold Schwarznegger refused to comment. President Madonna, however, was noted to say “It’s the American way, baby!”
TURKEY – The E.U. voted on Tuesday to move its offices out of Brussels to Istanbul due to Turkeys new role as the most powerful country of modern Europe. Turkey, once the small man in European politics and at one time only allowed to be an associated member of the EU due to the Kurdish situation, low standards of living and Arab influence totally reversed the situation in the late 2014 by dominating German politics due to the huge population of Turks there and due to being unhindered by the EU regulations at the time, carrying on trade with both the East and West uninhibitedly to its own profit.
ENGLAND – Habir Yohani has been elected the first official Islamic Prime Minister of the newly colonized Pakistani territory of England. The former Great Britain, once a predominately Anglo-Saxon nation, has been slowly becoming more Eastern due to the higher birthrate among its Indian and Pakistani citizens. When asked how he will deal with the white minority, Mr. Yohani stated “As long as they work hard and keep to themselves there won’t be any problems. And as long as they stay in their own neighborhoods at night!”
FRANCE – The city of Paris, much like the Berlin of the 60’s and 70’s, has been walled off by French nationals from other provinces of the country. When interviewed over why they have taken such drastic action to contain the Pariser’s Monsier Le Peu from Marseille replied “Because we cannot stand the snooty bastards anymore!”
GERMANY – Rebelling Green Party factions have surrounded the remaining conservative CDU forces in their Reichestag (the old Berlin Government building). Brightly painted tanks, depicting forest scenes and endangered animals have the enemy fenced in from all sides, their turrets sighted on strategic windows awaiting the command to fire on the desperate conservatives struggling to hold power.
Chancellor Merkel, hoping to hold onto power for her 3rd term in power is claimed to have gone power mad , waltzing through the halls in a ‘steel helmet imagining herself to be one of the demi-goddesses from Wagner’s Ring Trilogy and singing ‘Deutshland Uber Alles.’
In other parts of Germany the socialist separatist SPD factions having found a home in old, Communist ground of East Germany are speedily trying to rebuild the old Iron Curtain. They are hampered in their attempts by partisan FDP snipers in the forests and old buildings along the former borders.
In a related story, retired US President Osama has firmly requested the SPD not to use his image for their banners, claiming vehemently that he ‘never was and never will be a Socialist.’
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