[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
If there is a Romney/Ryan administration, spooked Americans will need alternatives
Master Mattress Mart, the third largest mattress firm in the United States, has just announced a brand new product that will serve Americans well in the unlikely event of a Romney/Ryan win the Presidential election in November.
It’s called the Pocket Perfect Sleeper, and it is designed with a camouflaged deep pocket sewn into the mattress. Davis Lumber, the executive vice president in charge of research and development at Pocket Perfect explains why this most important upgrade is expected to revolutionize the mattress industry.
“Well, it’s kind of a no-brainer,” said Lumber. “We have been doing our homework on both Mr. Romney and Mr. Ryan and the truth of the matter is that should they be elected, the banking industry will have a hey day with most Americans’ savings and investment accounts.”
Lumber further explained that because there is a very real possibility that unless the middle and even lower class of savers don’t do something to secure what little money they have left after the last serious drain on their retirement accounts in 2007, they will be left penniless.
“That’s where the Pocket Perfect Sleeper comes in. Once a customer gets their new mattress home, we seriously recommend they remove their money from banks and other financial institutions and place it in the sewn-in pocket in the foundation.
“This way, when there is a run on the banks, which is very likely to happen almost immediately after Romney/Ryan take office, their money will be safely tucked in their mattresses,” he said.
Asked the question, what if Romney/Ryan don’t win? Lumber replied, “No problem. Our marketing department has already anticipated that scenario. The Pocket Perfect Sleeper will transition well marketing-wise into the Porno Pocket Perfect Sleeper.”
Latest posts by P. Beckert (see all)
- Trump Orders All Cabinet Members to Wear Shock Collars - February 27, 2017
- ‘Inauguration Roast’ to Replace Standard Swearing-In Ceremony - January 18, 2017
- Trump Resigns Over Mandatory Reading Assignments from DOD - January 2, 2017
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!