[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Just hours after the New York Times reported that the Mitt Romney campaign team is hoping to market the former Massachusetts governor as a warm, experienced, loving candidate, we managed to get new details on what specific actions Romney’s advisers are looking to deploy.
According to numerous sources from within the Romney campaign, the plan will involve showing the GOP’s presumptive presidential nominee as “more human,” which our sources admit will be a challenge, since it is well known that Romney is a mannequin that has had a cyborg brain installed inside the rigid, cold, wooden chassis he calls his head. Still, campaign technicians and programmers believe they can make Romney seem far more human, even as soon as the GOP’s national convention next week.
“We’re re-programming Mitt with over 300 new algorithms,” said one Romney cybernetics/ computer technician. “We’re also adding more than 280 new hydraulic, pneumatic, and motorized facial `muscles.’ Right now, Romney only has two facial expressions; a brooding but trying-to-not-scare-children scowl, and then of course his awkward, why-am-I-doing-this smile. We think we can add as many as four new facial expressions, making him much more human-like, and surpassing Megan Fox’s ability to show emotion.”
The technician says they aren’t stopping with his face, either. “We’re adding two-dozen new programs that will work together to make jokes that might actually be funny to people that aren’t wealthy. It’s an arduous task, but we’ve nearly got Romney to be remotely, mildly funny, without talking about poor people, closing down factories, or saying that corporations are people, too.”
The new-and-improved “Romney 2.0,” as some campaign staffers are calling him, will be unveiled during the GOP national convention in Tampa, Florida. Technicians say there’s only a 42% chance that Romney will randomly run off the stage and hunt down a homeless person or a puppy to strangle, but they note that this is a drastic improvement, bringing him down from nearly 85%.
— By Matt Rock, from our friends at PardinThePundit.com
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