[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Kansas City, MO – As the school year starts up again around the country, news of a radical plan to totally abolish the public school system in the state of Missouri seems to be wildly popular with just about everyone who lives there. In fact, the plan is so popular that a referendum has been placed on the November ballot asking Missouri citizens to vote for or against changing the public school system over to a private system which encourages home schooling.
According to several far right conservative lawmakers, this change has been a long time coming. Tired of the bureaucratic red tape they’ve been fighting for years from the federal government, many are saying it’s not worth the extra money they get from Washington to not be able to school their children the way they want to.
Kansas City assistant school superintendent, Grover Danquist, who first proposed the idea in 2010, assured reporters it wasn’t the fact that Missouri schools have one of the highest percentages of illiterate students in the nation that spurred them on to such a radical change.
“Naw, that ain’t why we’re doing it,” said Danquist.
“We’re just sick and tired of being required to offer classes like science and math when the most important things we should be teaching our kids is how to pray and shoot a gun.”
Danquist elaborated. “Ever since they took prayer out of the classrooms, we’ve gone downhill. Home schooling provides parents the opportunity to have an ultimate say-so in what their kids are learning,” and, he added, “Most of us firmly believe that the end times are nigh, meaning it’s time to put away the school books and start picking up the Bibles.”
Danquist also said that most Missourians he knew felt it was absolutely essential that their young citizens learn how to shoot a gun as early as possible.
“We ain’t talking about none of that zombie nonsense,” he said, “but when the end days do come, we just have to make sure everyone knows how to defend themselves.”
Danquist and others like him are targeting public education programs they claim are teaching their kids the wrong ideals.
“We don’t need science to tell us the weather is crappy, and we don’t need science to tell us where we came from. We came from God, period,” he said.
An official spokesperson from the U.S. Department of Education, who was asked to comment on this story, said they weren’t aware of the situation but gave us an off-the-cuff response.
“Sure, fine, whatever. Couldn’t be any worse than the system they have in place now.”
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