[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Evidence of a fourth astronaut accidentally left on the moon leaks out of NASA
Ironically coincidental with the demise of the man who first walked on the moon, NASA has discovered that it had forgotten an astronaut on the moon. In fact, it appears that he was left at the time of Apollo 11’s historic milestone.
It has been leaked that NASA astronomers have identified the silver ‘lump’ lying near the still visible marks of the first moon probe as “Melvin, the 4th astronaut.”
Apparently, he had been secreted aboard the spacecraft and kept undercover, in case one of the others made an ass out of himself during the highly televised event. Had Armstrong taken a whiz on the moon’s surface or Aldrin mooned the camera, Melvin would have been edited in to replace them.
It appears that he exited the craft after Armstrong, but was intentionally kept out of camera view. After the mission, his presence was neglected as they returned to earth.
NASA experts imagine that he must have died an unpleasant death, as researchers can make out with advanced telescopes that he spelled out “You God-damned assho…” in the moon dust before he croaked. It is believed he was trying to write “assistants”, but misspelled it, as his oxygen ran low.
Melvin, his body now thoroughly dehydrated by the dry lunar atmosphere, will be left where he is, for it would be too expensive to bring him back. When asked why he was left behind, NASA astronaut Buzz Aldrin, now in his 80’s, said “Apollo what? Where? What do you mean by ‘moon’?” Neil Armstrong, now deceased, but asked the same question at 80 years of age, said nothing, but is said to have had a very self satisfied smile on his face afterwards.
Some conspiracy theorists believe that Melvin was intentionally left behind, because the others did not want to share the glory with him. There has been talk that it was actually Melvin who first stepped out on the moon and said “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Re-listening to the tapes of the moon walk, Armstrong can be heard to say afterwards, “Damn it! I had dibs for going out first, you jerk!” The sounds of heavy-breathing during a fight that followed was apparently edited out of the film.
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