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Argus Has Fun with the News: Scientology & More

Sep 122012
 By , September 12, 2012
Argus Has Fun with the News: Scientology & More

The U.S. Border Patrol was reported in the news as seizing the lowest-ever number of illegal aliens trying to cross into California last month. It’s the economy. It’s so bad that last night Mitt Romney shut off the electricity to his garage elevator and made his cars take the stairs.

Prince Harry was sent to Afghanistan to begin flying Apache helicopters Monday. He got a mixed reception. When U.S. troops in a Muslim nation are told that a stripper is arriving from Las Vegas the last thing they want to see getting off the plane is Prince Harry.

President Obama enjoyed a five-point bounce in the Gallup Poll after the Democratic Convention. They deployed a brilliant message. Democrats convinced TV viewers that qualifying for food stamps is a sign that you’re better off now than you were four years ago.

The FBI deployed new facial recognition technology that will allow agents to identify criminals. It IDs you when security cameras scan crowds at large events. They’d better program it not to recognize drug offenders and tax cheats or the entire system might crash.

GM discontinued selling the Chevy Volt Sunday, saying it costs fifty thousand dollars more to make than the selling price. It’s not the end of the cost for the taxpayers. Every Chevy Volt that’s retired gets a two hundred thousand dollar a year government pension.

The U.S. slipped to seventh in global competitiveness in a poll by the World Economic Forum Monday. Perceptions don’t lie. The U.S. was first in the competitiveness rankings five years ago, but all these troop withdrawals make us look like we’re not trying anymore.

Chicago public schoolteachers were in the news Monday, going on strike against the city over issues of pay, benefits and teacher evaluations. They don’t know who to blame it on. There hasn’t been a Republican in Chicago since Abraham Lincoln once passed through there on a train.

President Obama did not know how to dial out on an iPhone handed to him Monday at an event where he was supposed to call backers. He’s like any guy who just turned fifty. He’d rather say he doesn’t know how to use an iPhone than admit he needs reading classes.

Mitt Romney’s campaign ran ads of Bill Clinton praising Mitt Romney Monday while Democrats ran video clips of Bill Clinton praising Barack Obama. You have to feel for Bill Clinton. He began his political career in an era before cell phone cameras recorded everything you say.

Pittsburgh cops arrested a man for growing pot plants on church property Friday. It was obvious. During Communion the church served wine and Twinkies and the priests instructed penitents in the confession booth to say two Hail Mary’s and three Bob Marley’s.

Tom Cruise was reported in the news as allowing the Church of Scientology to audition women to be his next wife. She must be beautiful and thirty. The traditional Scientology wedding gown includes a satellite dish on the bride’s head to get better reception for the minister’s vows.

O.J. Simpson’s late defense lawyer Johnnie Cochran was accused Friday by former L.A. District Attorney Chris Darden of tampering with the glove used in O.J.’s wife’s murder so it wouldn’t fit O.J.’s hand in the famous courtroom demonstration. He was a great defense lawyer. When Johnnie Cochrane got finished talking to that jury, he even had O.J. convinced he didn’t do it.

Peyton Manning led the Denver Broncos over the Pittsburgh Steelers on NBC Sunday night. TV ratings were huge. Americans were hungry to see two sides giving each other concussions over something besides women’s reproductive rights and health care reform.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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