[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Uses unique grasp of history to school reporterBy Matt Rock, Pardon the Pundit
Sarah Palin managed to make headlines again while lounging around at home in her underwear, after commenting in a Facebook post that President Obama “likes to speak softly to our enemies. If he doesn’t have a big stick to carry, maybe it’s time for him to grow one.” The comment has been openly laughed at for the past 24 hours or so, prompting Palin to reach out to Pardon the Pundit earlier this evening in an effort to elaborate her point further.
“Obama is a pushover when it comes to Muslims and terrorists, don’t-cha-know,” said Sarah Palin as soon as we answered the phone, without so much as a hello. “He has a wimpy, little stick. That’s probably why he talks so softly. Guys with small sticks don’t usually have big, booming voices. I think that’s what Abraham Lincoln was saying when he told Obama to talk softly and carry a big stick. He knew Obama talks softly, and he should carry an artificial stick around with him, you know, so he has a stick worth talking about.”
We pointed out that the quote Palin was referencing, “speak softly and carry a big stick,” didn’t come from Abraham Lincoln, but was in fact made by Teddy Roosevelt. “Look, I know American history better than you do, okay? I’m IN the news. You guys just REPORT the news. If I say Abraham Lincoln was telling Barack Obama to talk louder and grow a bigger penis, then that’s what happened!”
After we stopped giggling and Sarah Palin stopped grunting disapprovingly at us for doing so, she continued. “You know, when Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence at the invasion of Normandy in 1489, that’s when America grew its stick. And Obama? He doesn’t know how to handle America’s stick. He needs to grow a bigger stick of his own if he hopes to pleasure America with it. Maybe he’s a grower and not a shower, but from what I can tell, his stick is nothing to shake a dick at. Wait, what did I just say? Anyway, yeah, I stand behind what I said, because I certainly don’t want to be in front of it. Obama is a total stick-head! You betcha!”
This article is from our friends over at Pardon the Pundit.
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