[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“Fighting fire with fire is the Royal Family way,” says the Queen
A completely naked Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip summoned their grandsons and granddaughter-in-law Kate Midriffton to Buckingham Palace today for a royal family dressing down of the younger royals’ behavior.
The queen, wearing only her tiara and a frown, first started in on Harry.
“Harry, look at me.”
“Must I, Grandmum?”
“Yes you must, Harry.”
After shifting uncomfortably in her throne, the Queen said, “Harry, you need to stop exposing your balls at billiards. Your father never did such things.”
“Yes, Grandmum, but dad was extremely ugly.”
“And how do you think we look right now, Harry?”
“Well, you’re quite well-ventilated, I dare say.”
“Don’t be so diplomatic, Harry. If you show off the royal family jewelry in public again, you’ll have to come here every day and see us like this.
“Every day, Grandmum? Every day?”
“That’s right, Harry.”
“What If I promise never to let my knickers down in public again? Ever?”
“That’s a good boy. Now run along to Afghanistan.”
“Jolly good, Grandmum!”
But he waited to see what was in store for Kate and William.
The 14-inch-waisted duchess turned to the side in an attempt to hide from the Queen, but she was spotted anyway.
“Kate,” the royal family matriarch said. “If you’re planning to expose your breasts to the media, why don’t you wait until you’ve put on a little weight, had a few children? Look at my bodacious tatas – they were once a testament to the rise of the British Empire. Weren’t they, Philip?”
“Oh, quite right, dear.”
“Must I, Grandmum?” Kate said.
“Must you what, dear?”
“Must I gaze upon the royal bodacious tatas?”
“No, but you must enhance your own or keep them covered up, or like Harry, you will come here every day and we will be here sitting here on our royal naked arses.”
“Really, grandmum,” William said. “It shan’t happen again.”
“Very well, William.”
Suddenly a servant let in the Royal Corgis, Monty, Holly and Willow. Monty came running toward his favorite queen mum.
“Down Monty!” the Queen yelled. “Down boy, down, down!”
But it was too late. Monty began shagging the royal leg.
Harry took a quick photo with his iPhone.
“Smashing!” he said, looking at the photo. “I think the Daily Mail would be very interested in this photo, don’t you think, Grandmum?”
“Harry!” yelled the queen. “Harry, come back here! No, not you, Monty! Get off my leg! Bugger off!”
Philip, thinking she was talking to him, made haste to the royal family pub.
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