[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘I used to like how he made fun of everyone else, but then he called me a loser,’ says ex-fan, part of 47 percent. ‘That cinches it.’
Mitt Romney was caught in a secret videotaping at a millionaire fundraiser recently saying, “There are 47 percent of the people who … are dependent upon government … who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it … These are people who pay no income tax.” Basically, he called them no-good freeloaders.
Turns out, 40% of those low-income people were going to vote for him. Now? Not so much.
“That son of a bitch,” said George Colson of Creola, Alabama, a 47 percent-er. “He called my whole family lazy bastards! I work hard, but don’t make enough to pay income tax. He hardly works at all, but does everything he can to avoid paying taxes, including shipping bags of loot off to the Caymans! I used to actually admire him for being a ruthless businessman, because that’s, you know, in the American spirit of taking care of yourself first or whatever. But now he insults me?!”
Calista Vernon of Cochran, Georgia, was not happy either. “I got five kids and we barely make ends meet, but we do,” she says. “I ain’t lazy, and I certainly ain’t no goddamn freeloader! I always vote Republican — don’t ask me why — cuz my pappy did, I guess. But no more! This pompous bastard has shown me the light! Hallelujah!”
“Hey, that’s not fair!” exclaimed Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson. “Sure, we never pay any taxes to the U.S. But, hey, we do pay other countries lots of taxes. Cuz they’re mean and make us. But that’s why we love the USA!”
Tillerson added, “That $156 million rebate from the IRS did come in handy, however. We were going to forward it over to a Romney Super-PAC, but now… I don’t know.”
Meanwhile, General Electric CEO Jeff Immelt chimed in, saying, “What Mitt doesn’t understand is, we worked very hard for the $26 billion in profits we made in the U.S. last year. And that’s why the IRS gave us a $4.1 billion refund. Does he think he’s smarter than those math geeks? Yeah, I didn’t think so.”
Many other major corporations paid no taxes on huge profits, as well as 35,000 or so wealthy individuals, and they were not happy with the candidate’s remarks either. Most were so angry, in fact, that they threatened to take every penny and stash it offshore, right next to Romney’s money.
“His pile will look so puny next to ours, it’s sure to really piss him off,” said one industry representative.
According to a new CNN poll, of those 40% low-income voters who were planning to vote for Romney, 99% now plan to stay at home or vote for Obama. The other 1% answered, “Uh. Wha? Election? Presi-what? Who? Where am I?”
Matt Rhoades, Romney’s campaign manager, tried to spin the statements. “He didn’t mean to say the 47 percent were all that way, only the Obama voters. Sure, some in that demographic will vote Republican. The difference is, our nice folks want to pay taxes, but haven’t realized their dreams of making it rich quite yet. On the other hand, research shows that the Obama voters actually like being slimy slum trash, and want to suck at the teat of government forever. They don’t want to be rich — too much responsibility.”
Rhoades also revealed some bad news: Mitt Romney has laryngitis, he said. “So he won’t be speaking anymore — at all. Until it gets better, which should be by around November 6th, doctors assure us.”
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