CAC banner ad
Humor Times subscribe
WET River Trips

Argus Has Fun with the News: NFL & More

Sep 202012
 
 By , September 20, 2012
Argus Has Fun with the News: NFL & More

In the news, the N.Y. Yankees apologized after a video was posted of a man and woman having sex in the stadium men’s room. It was during Monday’s game. New York hotel rooms are so expensive that it’s more cost-effective to buy tickets to a Yankees game, if you don’t buy beer.

NFL fans demanded the return of the refs Monday after watching a second weekend of chaos and un-policed cheap shots. The violence is out of control on the field. They have got to penalize teams more than five yards for making fun of the Prophet Mohammed.

The Royal Family sued the tabloid which published topless photos of Kate Middleton taken with a long-range camera lens. The public admires her. Thanks to Princess Kate, Mitt Romney and President Obama are no longer the only two boobs in the news every day.

U.S., British, Canadian and Australian newspapers refused to print the topless photos of Kate Middleton published in France. She’s very lucky. It didn’t cause any uproar in the Muslim world–because of the angle of the camera, you couldn’t see the bottom of her shoes.

In the news, U.S. embassy attacks erupted in Pakistan Monday as U.S. flags burned from Morocco all the way across to India. That’s a lot of smoke. President Obama is going to burn a bigger hole in the ozone with anti-American protests than two President Bushes did in three wars.

The Obama administration paid a PR firm a million dollars to lobby Hollywood TV shows to feature ObamaCare in their scripts. Hollywood is spooked about it. Andy Griffith did a TV commercial for ObamaCare and he’ll never work in show business again.

President Obama went on David Letterman’s show Tuesday followed by a fundraiser at rap star Jay-Z’s nightclub in New York. He loves the celebrity life. Next week he’s going to a chateau in France to sunbathe topless and get some free publicity in the French press.

Mitt Romney was taped last May saying forty-seven percent of people pay no income taxes and feel entitled to free stuff. He breached a self-esteem protocol. This all began when Lyndon Johnson signed a law requiring that everybody in Little League gets a trophy.

Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote a book about his affair with his maid Friday. The man has to be nuts. Mel Gibson’s three hundred million dollar divorce settlement just set a new world record, prompting Maria Shriver to say that records were meant to be broken.

The Chinese pandas at the Washington National Zoo gave birth to a baby panda this week thanks to artificial insemination, news reports say. The procedure had to be privately funded. It never occurred to the authors of ObamaCare that somebody might want to get pregnant.

Mitt Romney promised the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce in California on Monday that he’d initiate a new trade agreement with Mexico. It needs overhaul. Today’s cocaine-for-machine-guns trade agreement has raised a lot of cash, but it takes too long to unroll it.

L.A. activists seeking to re-open medical pot stores in L.A. turned in one hundred thirty thousand signatures Monday to get the measure on the ballot in March. The county wants to verify all the signatures. There can’t be that many Cheech’s and Chong’s in Los Angeles.

Civil War re-enactors refought the Battle of Antietam in Maryland on the battle’s one hundred fiftieth anniversary. The bloody battle gave birth to trench warfare. As the Confederate re-enactors retreated at the end, a feeling of pride prevailed that when it comes to anti-American protests, the radical Muslims can’t hold a candle to Southerners.

The following two tabs change content below.
avatar
Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.