[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Tell criminals they can’t bring their cell phones to jail, and “they turn in to puddles of mush”
Earlier this year, a circuit court judge from Omaha, Nebraska sentenced a car thief to three years in the state penitentiary. Not unusual for his crime, but what was unusual was the way the criminal reacted to the sentencing. When asked if he had anything to say before being led off to jail, the accused answered “Yes,” and then went on to ask “Can I take my cell phone with me?”
His question was met with an unspoken “I don’t think so,” as the deputy removed the cell phone from his hand, hand-cuffed him, and led him off. The tough street kid was bawling like a baby.
This is a scene that has been playing out all over the country and because of it, some cities say their crime rates are actually falling dramatically.
“You can give them an extra five years for committing a crime with a gun and they don’t flinch, but you tell them that they won’t be using a cell phone for the duration of their stay and they turn in to puddles of mush.”
Sheriff Leon Jones from Little Rock, Arkansas says his repeat offenders are not repeat offending anymore.
“They are staying on the straight and narrow,” he said. “It boggles the mind.”
Jones claims that as soon as the prisoners are released from jail, the first thing they ask for is their cell phones back and from that moment on, they are incommunicado, “at least with us, that is,” he said. “They are too busy calling and texting family and friends.”
“When I asked them if they were going to get in trouble again, I’d say 85% of them answer me in the negative. When asked why, they tell me they can’t live without their cell phones and they’ll do anything not to go through that hell again.”
Meanwhile, a new cell phone technology being advanced by Nokia may just eradicate crime altogether, at least crimes committed by tattooed perps. The technology involves using magnetic ink to create vibrating tattoos. When a person’s cell phone buzzes, it vibrates the tattoo, letting the person know they are getting a call.
Prison officials claim this may just be the best thing to happen to crime since the invention of the electric chair.
“Imagine having a vibrating tattoo and an active drug business and you get busted and thrown in jail,” said Rosetta Stone, a corrections officer at Sing Sing Correctional Facility.
“No, better yet,” she said with a chuckle, “imagine you have a different vibrating tattoo for every one of your twenty or so customers and they’re all going nuts trying to reach you at the same time.”
This “fake news” article is part of the Humor Times Faux News series, satirizing real news stories, politicians and celebrities of the day. (However, in this story, the bit about the vibrating tattoos is real!) If you have ideas for fake news articles (even if not totally fleshed out yet), contact us, and if we like it, we’ll contact you about using them. Meanwhile, tell your friends about us! Thank you.
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