[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
The Florida Postal Service has made an unusual request of their local patronage — to stop running into their Post Offices with their autos. There have recently been eight crashes supposedly due to ‘old timers’ tapping the gas pedal instead of the brake.
Unbeknownst to the Postal authorities, there is an FBI scan that has tied the incidents to Florida Al Qaeda operatives who are dispatching suicide bombers to take out the facilities.
Unfortunately for them, their bomb parts were sent by mail from Saudi Arabia and didn’t arrive in time for their missions.
The bombers were forced to hit their targets without their bombs, a move that probably lost them at least 40 of their 76 virgins in the after life.
A second possibility that Federal agents are investigating is that some of the crashers were actually laid off Postal workers going postal in a new way. They may be taking a cue from Al Qaeda and attempting to try suicide explosives as a way of venting their grievances permanently.
Unfortunately, they ordered their bomb parts with next day delivery by UPS and also came up empty handed when the parcels came in the day after their spectacle.
More new developments will be posted as they occur.
NEW DEVELOPMENT: Since the news has been leaked of the FBI findings that Al Qaeda is behind the Post Office crashes, senior citizens out of boredom have been racing to Post Offices to see the fireworks, and are themselves crashing into the facilities.
Authorities are recommending that the elderly stay at home, hide under their tables and do as they are told.
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