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Argus Has Fun with the News: Kate Middleton & More

Sep 242012
 
 By , September 24, 2012
Argus Has Fun with the News: Kate Middleton & More

Mitt Romney and Barack Obama were tied in the Gallup Poll Thursday, according to the news. People have only one question on their minds. If you had to run through a North Korean mine field or let Lindsay Lohan drive you to the store, which kind of running shoes would you wear?

Lindsay Lohan was charged in New York City with fleeing the scene of a car accident Thursday after she accidentally clipped a pedestrian at slow speed. She happened to be in town where she’s shooting a movie with Charlie Sheen. It’s called Two and a Half Grams.

The Royal Family got a ruling against French tabloids to squash the topless photos of Kate. The French had to print cartoons of the prophet Mohammed just to change the subject. History shows it’s far better to have the Muslims mad at you than the Anglo Saxons.

The White House admitted the Libyan embassy attack was by al-Qaeda, not by a mob of spontaneous protesters angry over a movie. It’s obvious. It could only have been a spontaneous protest if it happened to be Take Our Rocket Launchers to Work Day in Libya.

President Obama ignored CIA testimony Thursday and cited the anti-Muslim video as reason for the Libyan attack. He’s said it until every Muslim has watched the incendiary videos. Kate Middleton’s breasts just hired Barack Obama to help them get more publicity.

The State Department aired TV ads in Pakistan that show Hillary Clinton apologizing for the anti-Muslim video on YouTube, according to news reports. She’s well-respected in the Muslim world. They believe she’s the only woman in America whose husband is allowed to have multiple wives.

Mitt Romney revealed Monday that his Mormon great-grandfather moved to Mexico a century ago to avoid being prosecuted in the United States for polygamy. This shows how tough he’d be on illegal immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.

Mitt Romney ran new ads Tuesday pledging to break America’s growing dependency on government handouts. His own story bears this out. Mitt’s proved that with hard work and a little luck, even a multi-millionaire white guy out of Harvard can succeed in America.

Jessica Alba urged voters in a TV ad to pledge allegiance to Obama. The campaign is also selling U.S. flags with Obama’s O logo where the fifty stars belong. It’s such a cult of personality that the on-hold music at the White House features German marching songs.

In the news, President Obama raised four million dollars in New York Tuesday at a fundraiser at Jay-Z’s sports bar. It was opulent. Between the rap stars, the alcohol and the cash, the president’s armored limo is the only one that got out of there without bullet holes in the door.

Mitt Romney gained two points in Thursday’s Gallup Poll to tie Obama. The poll was taken after Mitt was caught on an old tape ripping welfare recipients for being in the tank for Obama. Next week Romney plans to leak a tape of himself organizing a Klan rally.

An Austin man was investigated by the Secret Service Friday after he lynched a chair from a tree in his front yard in Texas. The man wasn’t taken into custody. The Secret Service bought his story that the chair had it coming because it whistled at a white woman.

Virgin Airways’ Sir Richard Branson revealed plans Friday to someday ferry a Noah’s Ark of settlers to Mars. He said he wants to bring comedians and beautiful women, but also scientists and doctors. If you send a lot of settlers to populate a planet it’s essential that someone there can manufacture penicillin and someone can write a prescription for it.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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