[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Effort to subdue inner-city Sesame Street gang successfulBy Matt Rock, Pardon the Pundit
Several famous Sesame Street characters were arrested today, and many more were injured, after the United States Secret Service, accompanied by the FBI, DEA, and local law enforcement agencies, raided the famous inner-city neighborhood in an effort to thwart a kidnapping plot involving Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who proudly announced during the presidential debate on Wednesday that he would completely defund PBS if elected.
“At approximately 9:50 pm Eastern time Friday, we learned that five or more denizens of Sesame Street were planning to drug and kidnap former Governor Mitt Romney,” explained Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan. “We have no reason to believe they intended physical harm for Governor Romney, but wanted to detain him, teach him about the alphabet, instill a degree of kindness and generosity in him, and detain him until after the presidential election on November 6th of this year.”
“The raid began at precisely 6:32 am this morning,” Sullivan continued. “Local law enforcement and FBI agents cordoned off the neighborhood, while Secret Service agents breached several buildings, throwing flashbang grenades and taking down anyone that tried to tell us a funny story about numbers. We didn’t have time for cuddles and sunshine. It was all about shock and awe this morning.”
The Sesame Street raid led to the arrests of Big Bird, Kermit the Frog, Bert, Ernie, Cookie Monster, Count Von Count, and Grover. Animal, a visiting Muppet in the wrong place at the wrong time, attempted to resist arrest, and after assaulting several officers, was taken down by tasers. Animal was later discovered to be transporting approximately 18 grams of cocaine in a condom that was concealed rectally.
Several Muppets were also injured during the raid as well. Snuffleupagus, Elmo, and Oscar the Grouch were in critical condition in the hours after the early-morning raid. Meanwhile, Amazing Mumford, Abby Cadabby, Curly Bear, and Rosita all suffered moderate or mild injuries, and were released shortly after having been treated at the hospital.
Reprinted by permission from our friends at Pardon the Pundit.
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