[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Romney: “Who deserves public support more, dumb ol’ Big Bird or Olympic star Rafalca?”
Mitt Romney, feeling fine after his self-proclaimed stellar performance in the first presidential debate last Thursday evening, says he won’t let his base down — no way.
“It’s gonna be politics as usual,” Romney yelled into the microphone at his latest whistle stop. “I’m gonna say whatever it takes to win this election, just like you’ve come to expect from me!”
Romney has been getting very positive feedback in recent polls, even after fact checkers found most of his statements during the debate to be false or complete flip-flops on his earlier statements.
“Yes, I did say that my heath care bill — which, coincidentally doesn’t even exist — will allow people with pre-existing conditions to get insurance policies. Abortions will be covered under the plan, regardless of whether or not a woman is legitimately raped, and I’m gonna tax the hell out of the rich,” said the over-confident Romney, who claims he’s never felt such freedom before while campaigning.
“And just for the record,” he added, “GM wouldn’t even have been able to make those Cadillacs, if it weren’t for my pushing Congress to bail them out.”
“Oh, yeah, I did that!” he shouted, winking.
While Romney is enjoying his new-found freedom to stretch the truth, he is also being more candid about things he previously kept under wraps. “While I’m at it,” he told the crowd, “I just want to let you all know that a lot of the campaign contributions I’m getting will be used for personal things, like an upgrade on my yacht and the purchase of a couple more Cadillacs.”
“And no longer will people make fun of me for putting the dog on the car roof. He’s getting his own Cadillac and chauffeur!” he said, to roaring applause.
As Romney was leaving, he was asked what he plans to do this last month of the campaign, to lock in votes from the forty-seven percent he insulted last month.
“What do you mean forty-seven percent? Where did that number come from? I love one hundred percent of Americans, and with me as their President, they will all have jobs and a life of luxury,” he promised. “Did I leave anything out?”
“Oh yeah, Big Bird…turns out, he can stay on the air after all. At least until I get elected,” he said, “then he’s gone. That is one campaign promise I am promising to keep.”
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