[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Today’s busy lifestyles are beginning to take a toll on the angelic presence sent here to protect us, according to a Catholic priest who says he’s personally witnessed his fair share of Guardian Angel meltdowns.
Brother John David Patrick O’Malley of Boston, Massachusetts claims that he is getting an inordinate amount of calls to give last rites to people who claim that guardian angels are visiting them in the hospital and telling them basically that they are on their own.
“I show up to see someone who claims they have a life-threatening infection after getting a paper cut and I’m thinking ‘what the hey?’” said O’Malley.
“A rash is incurable and a headache means life or death for someone who’s just been told they have meningitis,” said the over-stressed priest. “Everyday maladies that used to require a band-aid, some anti-itch cream, or a couple of aspirin are now putting people at risk of dying if they don’t get to the hospital fast.”
Asked if he knows what is causing these extreme conditions to manifest in otherwise healthy individuals, O’Malley said he does but not many doctors are taking him seriously.
“Our guardian angels are being overworked,” he said. “We are taking advantage, actually have been taking advantage for some time now, and they are just fed up,” he said resignedly.
“I know, they are supposed to be there through it all, to catch us when the bungee cord breaks, take the wheel when we have had a little too much to drink, or mop up the floors before we take a walk down aisle three at the supermarket, but we are blowing it. Texting while driving, not taking our full prescription of antibiotics, relying on unscrupulous drug dealers…there are too many of us taking too many risks and we’ve basically worn our guardian angels out.”
O’Malley says it’s like the teachers strike in Chicago. Teachers were hired to teach a class of no more than thirty kids and instead are faced with 40 or more students who all need special attention.
“It’s way too much for them to handle and they are dropping the ball, or rather, we are dropping the ball, slipping on it, fracturing our skulls, and instead of waiting for them to get to the emergency room, we are checking out early cause it’s just a pain to wait any longer,” said O’Malley.
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