[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Barneys New York to build on successful transformation of Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck
Reeling from the success of making Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck look like anorexic whores, Barneys New York has decided to exploit other childhood icons as models for designer clothing.
“Daisy and Minnie were much easier to work with than real models,” said Barneys New York CEO Mark Lee. “They didn’t complain when we lengthened their legs twice as long as their bodies. In fact, I think they were grateful.”
“Plus we save a hell of a lot of money.”
Lee said the partnership with Disney made the company realize it didn’t have to stop with Minnie and Daisy, and that male characters could also be slimmed down and sexed up.
“Women are complaining that we’re making little girls anorexic, so we figure if we have the same effect on boys, they’ll leave us alone,” Lee explained.
Lee also said he wasn’t concerned about change.org’s “Barneys: Leave Minnie Mouse Alone” petition.
“Bunch of communists,” he said.
In reaching out to other characters, Lee said Miss Piggy and Porky Pig have been put on strict starvation diets, and that Horton the Elephant is scheduled for liposuction.
“A person’s a person no matter how big!” Horton complained.
“Shut up, fatty,” Lee told the beloved Dr. Seuss character. “We want you to fit into that size 36 Givenchy sport coat.”
The company scheduled Wonder Woman and Jessica Rabbit for breast-reduction surgery.
“Hey! I was voted the most sexy female cartoon character ever!” Wonder Woman cried, crossing her bullet-proof bracelets in front of her chest.
“Breasts are out, honey,” Lee said. “Deal with it.”
Alice in Wonderland, dragged in by the Mad Hatter, arrived, and Lee explained to his employees what they should do with her.
“No one is going to say ‘eat me’ to Alice the way she looks now,” said Lee. “First off, lose that headband. She looks like Hillary Clinton in the 1990s. And that dress. OMG. Put her in that hot Louis Vuitton number.”
“And wait, wait,” Lee said. “Let’s do an animation where she’ll start out looking like she does now and then gets taller just like in the book, but then she also gets skinnier and skinnier and wears the slutty dress.”
Archie ushered in Betty and Veronica, who were fighting over who would look better in the Oscar de La Renta gold lamé dress. “It will bring out my beautiful blonde ponytail!” Betty said.
A Barneys stylist came out, chopped her ponytail off and gave her a Twiggy haircut.
Archie, under duress, said the dress would look better on Veronica.
“Archie!” Betty yelled. “First you dump me and now this?”
Lee didn’t think Bugs Bunny would be cooperative, but brought in Elmer Fudd, who was also put on the strict starvation diet. “He’ll be Elmer Stud before we’re done with him,” Lee explained.
“I don’t like wadishes!” Elmer cried. “Give me back my wib eye steak!”
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