[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
As Dictator for Life, I will rename it The Oppressed States of America
I, R. Freed, hereby announce my candidacy for Dictator of the United States of America. I realize that this is a little late in the campaign season to be announcing this, but dictators don’t worry about such things.
We know that as dictators, we can manipulate things in our favor. In this case, I have wisely waited until the other two candidates have successfully eliminated all others in their party to be the front runner, then waited for them to spend most of their campaign money and exhausting each other in political battle before jumping in the fray myself.
I also waited until the debates were over because they would have creamed my butt.
When elected, there are certain pet projects that I will immediately put into action, as soon as I get the Supreme Court, the Legislature and, most importantly, the military, under my thumb.
The projects will be as follows:
I will make it legal to shotgun any vehicle whose car alarm goes off for more than two minutes after 9 PM at night. For those that go off during the day, after 5 minutes it will be legal to baseball bat the front windshield.
Anyone ‘flipping the bird’ to another while in traffic will have that digit removed in a public ceremony.
Bankers who foreclosed on people’s homes while getting bailout finds will have their mansions turned over to the public trust to house those left homeless by the foreclosures. The bankers will be forced to sleep in the garden with no blankets.
Dick Cheney will be dragged from wherever he is hiding and publicly waterboarded in front of the White House. Tea and biscuits will be served.
I will pass a law that all women over the age of 22 and under 50 have to send me a nude picture of themselves as I search for the proper woman to stand as my companion while I am in office. Please note that she will remain my mistress and not my wife, as I don’t feel like sharing too much of what I accumulate while in power (which, incidentally, will be for life).
Able bodied people who park in handicapped parking spaces will be dragged behind their cars to the nearest free parking space.
People who insistently talk on their cell phones in public places will have said telephone strapped to their ear at high volume with the most obnoxious ring tone on the machine playing for 12 hours or until they go insane, whichever comes first.
Men who cause two or more women to become impregnated with their seed, bringing more poor, illegitimate children into the world will have the offending organ stuffed with an oversized cork until their prostrate and/or one or both of their testicles explode.
Women who bring three or more illegitimate children into the world from different men will be cemented shut.
People who are constantly texting on their cell phones will have their fingers super-glued together. Those texting while driving will have their fingers super-glued to the steering wheel.
Sophia Versaga will be my personal secretary who will sit on my lap naked while I dictate to her. Kim Kardashian will be my Secretary of the Treasury, because she knows how to get money, Kim Cattrall the Vice Dictator because she knows what vice is, Eva Longoria will be the Secretary of the Interior and Scarlett Johansson thrown in just for the heck of it. Hillary Clinton will remain on as the Secretary of State, but she will not have to be naked.
People not using turn signals and senior citizens who forget to turn theirs off while driving will have their cars impounded and be forced to ride tricycles with a bumper sticker that says “I am a dodo.”
The Republican Party will be disbanded and the members all sent to a special gulag in Alaska, where they will be forced to make snow cones for the rest of their lives to help pay my lavish lifestyle vices.
The Democratic Party will be disbanded and sent to a special gulag in Florida, where they will be forced to flip burgers in my special theme fast food restaurant that features alligator meat (and Democratic meat if they are not obedient.).
I will have a special hotline connected to Vladimir Putin and the Generals running Myanmar (Burma), so I can call them anytime for advice on how to run a dictatorship.
The Libertarian Party will be disbanded and all five of them put on a barren island off the coast of Maine where I can keep an eye on them. Ron Paul will be my personal physician and adviser and will get me my coffee in the morning.
All young people between the ages of 7 and 25 will be fitted with special collars that give them a shock when their iphones, MP3 players and other such nonsense make noises over 10 decibels.
All corporations and banks will be forced to pay taxes, which will then be distributed directly to the American people, who will then adore me and keep me as their beloved dictator for the rest of my life.
You who have read this will be blinded to cover all evidence of the corrupt means that I use to keep my position and power.
I will have money printed up with my picture on it as soon as the check clears.
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