[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Says Schwarzenegger ‘Washed up,’ has gotten ‘old and fat’
Sources within Universal Studios say the company is looking for a new star for its “Terminator” movie series, and that President Barack Obama would be their first choice.
“We realize it would be hard with his grueling schedule as president, but we think it can be done, with a little CGI and a little creativity,” said Universal Co-Chairman Donna Langley. “With his recent exploits in Pakistan, people really see him as The Man now, and we think he would be more believable in this roll [than Schwarzenegger].”
“Arnold Schwarzenegger had a good run, but have you seen him lately? Being governor has made him soft — he’s old and fat,” said Roger Ebert, film reviewer. “It’s not all that surprising that they’d look for a new star for the series.”
“We’re hoping to eventually buy some of the actual footage shot in the Pakistan raid, using the real Osama bin Laden as the protaganist” said Langley, “and CGI the president into the scene wearing some cool Navy Seal garb, you know, with night vision goggles and a hi-tech rifle and all. It would top George Bush’s flight suit by a mile!”
Film experts speculate as to whether the Obama character would utter the same famous lines that Schwarzenegger’s did. For example, amongst the explosions and firefight, Obama and Osama could meet face to face, and after a tense moment, Obama would say, “Hasta la vista, baby,” and shoot Osama dead.
Then, during the hectic sequence where the contingent loses a helicopter and scrambles to get everyone out, he’d exclaim stoically, “Come with me if you want to live!” And, of course, as they are leaving victoriously, he’d look back at stunned Pakistani military officials and shout, “I’ll be back!”
There are other lines he could borrow as well. For example, as they’re being debriefed in Washington, someone might ask whether the operation in a sovereign nation was legal, and the Obama Terminator would say, “Chill out, dickwad.”
“Finally, after a parade in his honor, the new Terminator could announce that he’s running for Governor of California,” said Langley, “or even President of the United States!”
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