[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Voter’s remorse’ strikes as real-world problems highlight differences between candidates
Requests are flooding the Ohio Supervisor of Elections office in Columbus, Ohio from early voters who want their ballots stricken from the record and allowing them to cast a re-vote, this time for Barack Obama. At least 300 such requests have been received since Wednesday.
Election officials say this has never happened in the history of Ohio elections.
The person behind the drive to set the political record straight is a Republican business owner who claims he was hoodwinked into believing Mitt Romney was a leader he could count on when the chips were down.
Mark Humphries, owner of Bottoms Up, a local pub, told reporters he had a feeling when he cast his ballot early that something might happen to change his mind.
“I wasn’t even on the fence or nothing,” said Humphries, who voted the Saturday before Sandy hit the eastern seaboard.
“I mean, I really bought Romney’s spiel hook, line and sinker. I hated paying taxes…Romney said I wouldn’t have to. I was against big government…so was Romney,” said a convincing Humphries.
“I mean, I went so far as to consider contributing to his campaign,” said the disgruntled voter. “Thank goodness my wife talked me out of it and we spent it on groceries instead.”
Humphries said when that storm hit New Jersey, and reached all the way back to Columbus, he waited to see how Romney would respond.
“Oh he said all the right things…God…awful…donate…you know, he looked sincere enough. But when I saw Obama, man, I gotta tell you, he was kicking some serious disaster relief butt,” said Humphries.
Humphries said he learned that there were many more central Ohioans suffering from what one political analyst called “voter’s remorse,” and he set out to do something about it.
“I started the “Take Back the Romney Vote” movement, but from what they are telling me, no matter what I do to try and rectify the situation, I pretty much have to live with my decision.”
Humphries says there is one saving grace in all this.
“I’ve got a wife who was smart enough to realize that Obama was the guy to get the job done and she says she voted for him,” said Humphries.
“So, bottom line,” he said. “At least she cancelled out my vote. All I can do now is ask everyone I see to please, please vote for Obama.”
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