[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
R. Freed ran for dictator and lost — here he gives his concession speech
In lieu of my humiliating defeat yesterday, as I vied with two lesser alleged human beings for the coveted role of Dictator of America, I must now bow to present social convention, and offer to the public my concession speech, which is the modern equivalent of being stocked and pilloried in the public square for all to see.
So here is my concession speech, for all you insects who, if I had won, would have been crushed beneath my heel by now. Actually, it is a condescension speech, as normally I do not humiliate myself before peasants.
This unexpected defeat by a man who views Guantanamo Bay as an embarrassing disgrace to American justice and not as a dictator’s Disneyland, as I do, shows that the American people are not ready for the true leadership that I had to offer. They do not realize the benefits that a smooth running totalitarian state have to offer. My answers to the problems plaguing America, as listed below, would have pulled our great nation out of the conundrum it is now in:
National debt to other countries — We have all those nuclear warheads just rusting away underground. Why not use them for their intended purpose?
Massive unemployment and illegal immigrants — Have the unemployed stand guard side by side along our southern border stopping these people from coming across. Duh!
To much spending at the Federal level — In my dictatorship you would have no need for a Senate, a Legislature, a Supreme Court. Tons of money saved right there. A lot of police could be laid off because under my regime the only crime would be ones against the State. There would be no need for a National Guard because they would be replaced by my personal Storm Troopers. Don’t waste time and expense printing money– just make everyone a slave.
Decayed infrastructure — Schools could be shut down and the kids and teachers put to work repairing highways, bridges and sidewalks. Ka-zing! (I am amazed that no one else has ever thnks of these things!)
Social Security and Medicare costs — Two words: Soylent Green. It would solve those two pains in the budget and create new jobs all in one fell swoop. Also help to relieve the housing crisis in many areas.
Corporate takeover of America — Let them takeover. Simple!
And the list goes on and on. But since you have chosen someone other than me to run the show, then you will all have to live without my brilliance. Bad for you.
As for me, I have not given up the fight. Romney may settle for going back to being the world’s richest unemployed man, but I will continue to move forward and have put in my application to be a Sith Lord. Even with my greatness, there is still a lot to be learned about the fine art of Dictatorship-ness. And they are offering two for the price of one night lessons in Harnessing the Dark Side of the Force For Fun And Profit and in Releasing Your Inner Bastard.
I wish to thank all 358 of you who voted for me nationwide, especially the Radical Branch of True Tea Party Patriots Who Feel Called to Save the Country, whose entire membership of four voted for me and, of course, you Mom and Sis. For those of you who didn’t, I still have your names and addresses stored in a basement full of thumbdrives (and thumbscrews — think deeply about that).
I bid you all adieu. At least until 2016.
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