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Argus Has Fun with the News: Petraeus & More

Nov 152012
 
 By , November 15, 2012
Argus Has Fun with the News: Petraeus & More

In the news, David Petraeus was urged to testify in Congress on the Benghazi attack. Two months ago he went to Congress and blamed it on an Internet video. He was hoping to get them to shut down the Internet so that no more of his e-mails would go through to those women.

The White House website received petitions from Southern states Monday calling for secession from the Union. The timing is very shrewd. This week is the perfect time for the South to secede when you consider that none of the Union generals have their pants on.

Afghan War commander John Allen went under probe Tuesday for carrying on with one of General David Petraeus’s accused mistresses. It all involves adultery, shirtless e-mail photos and sex under the desk. Bill Clinton is kicking himself for dodging the draft.

General David Petraeus was caught between a catfight of mistresses on Tuesday. It’s mixed news. The sex scandal cost General Petraeus any chance of the GOP nomination for president in four years, however it virtually guarantees him the Democratic nomination.

Attorney General Eric Holder was reported Tuesday to have learned of CIA Director David Petraeus’ mistress in September. He kept it a secret. If he’d wanted President Obama to know about it he’d have had a Chicago Bulls sportswriter slip it into his column.

Bossa Nova Robotics introduced a robot named Balbot Tuesday which is able to take commands and act as a personal maid for five thousand dollars. It gets worse. The robots want a path to citizenship and the ones that run on Apple software are already Democrats.

Elmo puppeteer David Clash denied improper sexual contact allegations Monday. His defenders are fierce and partisan. Democrats say as much stress as Mitt Romney put on Sesame Street it was only a matter of time before Elmo got the tomorrow-we-die attitude.

Target, WalMart, Sears, K-Mart, Toys R Us and Staples announced plans in the news to open the stores late Thanksgiving afternoon to kick off Black Friday. It just gets earlier every year. By this time next year, the traditional Thanksgiving dinner will be a hot dog at Costco.

Toys R Us rolled out a toy microphone and mike stand that produces laughter and applause when a child speaks into it. Children will think they’re funny whether they are or not. It’s a way for parents to create Frankenstein without running up the electricity bills.

President Obama met labor leaders Tuesday to discuss budget negotiating strategy with House Republicans. They don’t have many choices. They’ll have to accuse John Boehner of being a racist because he doesn’t have a home in La Jolla with a garage elevator.

Breaking news: Hillary Clinton led all Democrats in a presidential poll in Iowa taken two days after the election Thursday with a huge lead over Joe Biden. The race can’t start too soon for some people. Marco Rubio’s pediatrician just pronounced him fit to run for president.

Hillary Clinton won’t testify to Congress about the Benghazi attack next week because she’ll be in Australia. She’s in Australia to get a tutorial. Hillary wants to brush up on prison colony supervision before she leaves office and resumes day-to-day life with Bill.

Newsweek published a post-election issue claiming the GOP is too old and too white and too male to win U.S. elections anymore. We had a nice run. It’s taken four hundred years but the Bald Eagle’s been replaced on the endangered species list by Arnold Palmer.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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