[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Child stars have their limits: No Twinkies is beyond the pale
Alana Thompson, the child star of the reality hit (by the lowest standards possible) series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was told on Friday that her favorite snack food, Twinkies, were no longer going to be sold in stores and she was going to have to find another sweet treat to get her through the day.
“No mama no!” screamed the pint-sized puddin’ pop when told she could only have Little Debbie Cloud Cakes instead. “I hate those durned thangs,” she was quoted as saying before locking herself in her own private dressing room. Honey threatened to stay in there unless the show’s producers promised to add Twinkies to her salary demands.
“It got loud in there, real loud,” said June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo’s mom. “We tried everything…7-11 brownies, Dunkin Munchkins, even Moon Pies, which is my personal favorite,” said the distraught mother.
“I was so desperate, I went home and baked a yellow cake yesterday, but I ate it before I could get it in front of her,” she said.
Honey Boo Boo’s show may be cancelled if the producers don’t come up with some Twinkies, and fast.
“Right now, we are negotiating with a seller on eBay to buy a dozen boxes of Twinkies for about $200,000. That should get us through at least three or four more tapings, and then we don’t know what we are going to do,” said May Wortheimer, assistant production manager. She agreed with Shannon that they couldn’t even buy the beauty queen off with moon pies.
“It is that serious,” said Wortheimer.
“If we don’t do something soon,” said Shannon, “we may have to enlist the services of a good pastry chef to see if he can whip up something to bring my baby out of her sugar slump, otherwise, our gravy train is gonna leave the station empty.”
Meanwhile, the closing of the Hostess Plant has lovers of another brand scrambling for the last boxes of Drakes Cakes on the planet. Ring Dings, Yodels and Devil Dogs are soon to disappear from even eBay, leaving folks to wonder how we ever got along without Hostess.
In related business news, today Little Debbie dropped flyers from helicopters advertising their abundance of sweet treats at area supermarkets. So far, it has had little effect, and the competitor is scratching its head wondering what is so different about their bakery snack treats.
Executives at Little Debbie are hinting at closing their doors as well to see how much a box of their Nutty Bars could fetch on the black market.
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