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Argus Has Fun with the News: Sex-Texting & More

Nov 182012
 
 By , November 18, 2012

In the news, General Petraeus agreed to face Congress to discuss the Benghazi attack and his sex scandal. He had two mistresses fighting over him and a wife with a government job. He survived Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan and now comes the big one, Thanksgiving Dinner.

James Bond’s Skyfall showcases England’s top spy as a man who kills terrorists and sleeps around. The CIA’s top spy had to resign for doing the same thing. It’s what we get for allowing the Puritans to establish our country’s work ethic instead of the Episcopalians.

David Petraeus agreed to testify about the attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, say news reports. We’ve learned only one thing. If the terrorists who attacked the U.S. consulate had committed adultery with the four Americans instead of killing them, in two hours we’d have known all there was to know about the attack and the attackers, and which door they used.

General John Allen‘s nomination as NATO commander was held up Tuesday. There is evidence that Allen engaged in phone sex and sex-texting with Petraeus’s groupie Jill Kelley. At one point in the transcript, she gets so aroused she offered to be his biographer.

General Petraeus’s groupie Jill Kelley was besieged inside her Tampa mansion Sunday by tabloid reporters. She called police and said she was an honorary U.S. consul general and she asked for diplomatic protection from the State Department. So they set her on fire.

Paula Broadwell was seen in old TV interviews promoting her biography of General David Petraeus Wednesday. She said they met at Harvard’s John F. Kennedy School of Government. It’s like a cheerleading clinic for future presidents as well as their mistresses.

In the news, Hustler’s Larry Flynt announced he’ll move his porn studio to Mexico after L.A. voters forced porn actors to wear condoms. The movies will look ridiculous. There’s so much drug violence in Mexico that all the rest of the body parts will have to be covered in armor.

The Auto Club reports forty million Americans will drive at least fifty miles to attend Thanksgiving dinner this year. There’s a new spirit afoot. People don’t mind filling up their tanks and driving hundreds of miles to argue with their relatives about secession.

Texas Governor Rick Perry said Wednesday that Texas won’t secede from the Union despite all the petitions. The movement is spreading. It’s really helped the movie box office for Lincoln because thousands of people are showing up at the screenings to boo him.

Florida Gators alum Kevin Lahn got around NCAA rules against improper benefits to players by adopting one. It could spark a pattern of rich white boosters adopting poor black players. In six years Notre Dame won’t stand a chance against Colonial Williamsburg.

In the news, President Obama met with business CEOs at the White House Wednesday where he informed them of his tax hike proposals. The CEOs are scared. Congress and the White House are approaching the fiscal cliff and President Obama’s campaign slogan is Forward.

President Obama had his first press conference in eight months at the White House on Wednesday. Reporters asked the president why he didn’t know that the FBI was investigating his CIA chief all year. He was so crushed that a White House reporter would ask him a real question that he broke down sobbing for the second time in ten days.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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