[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Zombie shopper phenomenon seems to have spread across country
Reports have been coming in from across the country of a rash of zombie-like people, in huge masses, rushing about specific chain stores in large communities, in a mad feeding frenzy.
Zombieologists, a newly developed scientific category that specifically studies zomboid type manifestations throughout the world, are puzzled by this latest development.
Although these ‘people’ seem lobotomized and ready to wreck mayhem at any moment like your normal run of the mill zombies, their fixation does not seem to be eating other human beings as is typical in normal zombie-hood. These driven creatures seem to have a focus on materialistic things such as flat screen TVs and tablet computers and kitchen appliances.
The phenomena seemed to start at 8 PM Thanksgiving night when hordes of these incessant mindless beings converged on shopping areas throughout the U.S. Fighting to get in the store and get the objects of their desires, they seemed led by an inner lust that nothing and nobody was going to thwart. The zomboids seemed unstoppable in their quest for whatever item they desired.
What the zombieolists have noted is unusual is that this particular sub-culture of zomboids does not seem to have the blood lust that normal zombies have. There appears to be no great desire for brains or internal organ feeding in them. Once they have their desired items, they simply leave back to wherever they came from. Although still possessing a great potential for violence, even when one zomboid has torn another to bits fighting over a sale on the last Android cell phone, the winning zomboid will leave without even taking with him so much of a doggy bags worth of his defeated opponent giblets.
Zombieologists are working in close conjunction with local police and the FBI on this matter. The FBI had noted a lot of information appearing in newspapers and other media about an impending ‘Black Friday’ that was to occur on October 23rd. They suspect that this might have been some sort of ‘underground’ message to zomboids across the land to create a mass assault. It appears to have been hugely successful. The professionals are all thankful that the carnage amounted mostly just to broken bones and bruises and a few torn off limbs and not the major organ displacement that they had feared.
There is a strong suspicion that this new outbreak of zombieitis might be a mutation of the strange Walmartion strain that was discovered a few years ago and has been widely circulated in online humor websites.
NEWS FLASH: An update has occurred in this new rash of zombieism that has rocked the nation since Thanksgiving night. Whereas scientists and law enforcers had believed that the ‘Grey Thursday’ zombie infestation was not going to be the liver sucking blood orgy they had feared, it now seems that a group of these creatures had accidentally gotten locked in an upstate New York Walmart and had immediately turned to savage cannibalism. Only two survived the ordeal, but had successfully escaped the Walmart by the time police arrived on the scene.
What is now the horrible reality is that these two now have a taste for other zombies and appear to be headed across the state to other zombie clogged retail outlets like marijuana junkies out to get more munchies. Unsubstantiated reports are coming in that they were going from Walmart to Walmart, their hunger insatiable.
Perhaps, in the ultimate view of things, that is for the better for the rest of us.
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