[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Vegas Billionaire Sheldon Adelson knows how to make money and he knows how to spend it, or so his financial advisors thought until they finished counting all the beans in the jar. Seems Adelson spent just a little too much on something that turned out not to be such a sure bet after all—the Romney/Ryan Campaign.
Because of the huge amount he dumped on Romney’s failed bid for President (not to mention the millions he spent on Newt Gingrich’s failure to launch during the primaries), he has just been named Worst Investor of the Year by financial radio host Clark Howard. Howard says Adelson beat out Karl Rove and the Koch Brothers by a few shekels.
It was damned near impossible keeping Adelson from spending huge amounts of money according to his personal assistant.
“Last year it was all about the Jewish people,” said Amanda Hockencourt, one of Adelson’s closest advisers.
“To his way of thinking, there just weren’t enough Jewish comedians on television after Seinfeld folded, and he was spending copious amounts of money on getting another show up and running that would make him laugh when he needed to laugh.”
“That plan failed miserably,” said Hockencourt. “Just look at this year’s sitcom lineup. Not a winner in the bunch.” (Sources close to Sheldon Adelson say he quit when he realized the best he might be able to come up with was Sacha Baron Cohen).
While it is only a fraction of what Adelson is actually worth, Hockencourt said Shelly had to know he was throwing good money after bad both on his bid for the next Seinfeld and later when he decided to back Newt Gingrich and other failing Republicans.
Even an idiot knows when to quit,” said Hockencourt, off the record of course.
Hockencourt stated that the real spending started when Romney did so well on the first debate.
“He’s a lying fool, that Romney,” Sheldon Adelson was heard telling his financial adviser on the phone. “We can’t lose with him in there taking politicking to new lows.”
Evidently Adelson was dead wrong.
Speaking of Karl Rove, he picked up an award of his own—Most Despised Leader—by the supporters of his Super PAC, American Crossroads. Seems a majority of the people who gave money to Rove to spend on this year’s election are re-thinking their own investments in the losing campaign of not only Mitt Romney but other big losers, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, the two Senate hopefuls who had problems keeping their misogynistic thoughts to themselves.
“To make a long story short, the losers made the losers winners,” said Howard while discussing Adelson’s less than adept handling of money. Howard claims he shipped a gold-plated trophy in the likeness of a Monopoly $500 bill to Adelson in time for Hanukkah.
In related news, Donald Trump, unhappy that he didn’t make it to the top of the losers list, announced yesterday that he is firing his financial adviser, his campaign adviser, and vows to never again play Monopoly with his grandchildren.
PolitiFacts reports that Trump did not, as previously reported, fire his hair stylist.
Latest posts by P. Beckert (see all)
- Trump Orders All Cabinet Members to Wear Shock Collars - February 27, 2017
- ‘Inauguration Roast’ to Replace Standard Swearing-In Ceremony - January 18, 2017
- Trump Resigns Over Mandatory Reading Assignments from DOD - January 2, 2017
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!