[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Modeled on Michigan’s Emergency Manager Law
WASHINGTON, DC — Republican Representative Mike Rogers of Michigan today introduced a bill he called “courageous and necessary,” but which has caused immediate controversy in the capitol city.
The proposed legislation, entitled the “A Bill to Allow for Provisions for the Installation of an Emergency Dictator in the Case of Really Bad National Management by an Uncooperative President,” would allow Congress to install a “benevolent” dictator in the White House, but only in “dire emergencies” such as “stalled budgets, inability to raise the debt ceiling, or a president discovered to be ineligible to hold office due to place of birth, etc.”
“This bill is only an insurance provision, just in case — we don’t expect to ever have to use it,” said Rep. Rogers, crossing his fingers behind his back. “We’ve also included a ‘super-emergency’ clause, which would allow us to invoke these powers without a vote in the Senate, but only in super-duper-dire emergencies, such as when the Senate is held by uncooperative Democrats.”
“We in Michigan have laid out a roadmap on how to save our country,” said GOP Michigan state Sen. Jack Brandenburg. “When things get in too bad a shape, it may require financial martial law, and that’s what we’ve achieved here. There’s no reason we can’t do it nationally as well.”
“I like it,” said GOP former and maybe future presidential hopeful Donald Trump. “It’s all about taking charge. Getting results. Firing incompetent managers. I’m all about that.”
Asked if he knew of a good candidate for Emergency Dictator, Trump said, “I don’t like to tout myself, being a humble man, but I’d do an outstanding job. I get things done. And I could save a bundle not having to run for election.”
Critics say this bill, as well as the Michigan bill, are unconstitutional. “How are the people being represented when their elected leaders are summarily dismissed and replaced by someone they never voted on?” asked Rep. John Conyers, old-school Democrat from Detroit.
“That’s old fashioned thinking,” tweeted Sarah Palin, after seeing Conyers on TV. In successive tweets, she said, “We need fresh ideas, bold plans. We don’t need a squirmish over this. Shoot, I must have lived such a doggoned sheltered life as a normal, independent American up there in the Last Frontier, but I say pundits should not manufacture a blood libel when they don’t agree.”
Later, Palin posted on Facebook (because it’s the media’s duty to follow her every utterance on the internet), “I refudiate that old sentiment of staying with someone just because they were elected in there. I mean, I quit governating, not because I was tired of it, but because I care. No one threw me out. And don’t misunderestimate the GOP on this issue. Some decisions that have been made poorly, it’s complicated, and I too am not knowing, but I think the real America is willing to be considering it.”
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