[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
NRA seeks to limit collateral damage (to themselves)
The National Rifle Association (NRA), caught like a raccoon in the headlights by the shooting of grade school children, has been awfully quiet since the incident.
The shooting puts them in a very negative light since they support the sales of the very weapons that tore up the bodies of the little kids at Sandy Hook. They have finally announced that they will be holding a press conference on the Friday after the tragedy, a move that has certainly bought them some valuable time to go over the collateral damage this has done (not to the kids, but rather to their image) and, most importantly to them, how to get back to making those big bucks pushing guns with maximum kill ratios.
Discussions have been going on non-stop behind closed doors at the NRA Headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia as they desperately try to piece together a strategy that will keep them in the good graces of their gun manufacturer overlords, while keeping a composed and orderly face intact for the public they wish to bamboozle. Little did they know that a popular news agency managed to plant a hidden microphone in their lair that recorded some juicy bits of their lashing around for a solution.
Here is a major excerpt from that tape:
(Voice of Rodney Gunslunged, chief Public Administrator of Propaganda for the NRA) “Who are we going to find that can possibly give a solution to this public relations problem? Half of America thinks we are the Evil Empire as it is. We need someone who can both come up with a stratagem that can make us look like the poor oppressed good guys again and can speak to the public about it.”
(Voice of Melvin Kneeshooter, NRA Image Consultant) “Man, who can we find that is that slimy and cold who could take the tragedy of 20 kids getting brutally murdered and turn it around?”
(Voice of Pervis Gutshot, NRA Congressional Kickback Strategist) “He would have to be ice cold and have a surgical knowledge of how to make even the victims of a tragedy look wrong.”
(Voice of Samuel ‘Blood and Guts’ Mulligan “My God! The man would have to be an absolute moral-less weasel without a drop of human blood in him!”
(Voice of Kneeshooter) “Are you guys think of what I’m thinking?”
(Voice of Gunslunged “I bet we are!”
(All voices in unison) “Karl Rove!!!! He’s our man!!!”
Something to think about: The bullets used to shoot the children at Sandy Hook were ones specially designed to explode inside the body causing maximum damage. The toddlers never stood a chance of surviving even if they had only been wounded. This is a bullet that the NRA feels that it is fine to be on the public market for anyone to buy.
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