[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Governor Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio join forces to deny Santa Claus
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County have joined forces this holiday season to make sure that Santa Claus doesn’t invade their state without proper documentation. The move came about when Brewer was advised that many department stores in the state had hired undocumented workers to play Santa this year despite strict immigration laws recently enacted.
“Who wants to ask Santa for his papers?” said one store manager after being asked what he thought of Brewer’s decision to ban Santa from coming into Arizona.
“We have it on good authority that Santa’s passport has expired, as has his Visa,” said Charlotte Grinchley, Governor Brewer’s closest adviser. “For this reason, we are not taking any chances with anyone who sports a red suit and white beard in this state, including the original Santa,” said Grinchley.”
State governors from the other 49 states in the union have all signed special last-minute exceptions to allow Santa entry with the promise that he take care of the visa issue immediately come December 26th, but Brewer wasn’t budging.
While the North Pole, where Santa is officially from, is not owned by any country, and therefore anyone who lives there should be able to pass through the United States without a visa, Brewer isn’t buying it.
“If on foot, the man would have to pass through Canada and by doing so, he’d have to show a visa to lawfully enter the United States,” said a huffy Brewer, pointing her finger at her own Attorney General, who had put a piece of legislation in front of her to sign which would allow Santa entry into Arizona regardless of his immigration status.
“I’ve instructed Sheriff Joe to keep a close lookout on the skies tonight to make sure that undocumented jolly, fat elf doesn’t touch down anywhere in my state,” said Brewer.
So what are the kids of Arizona getting for Christmas if Santa Claus won’t be coming to town? No one knows, but it is pretty much a safe bet that Brewer and Arpaio will both be getting lumps of coal in their stockings.
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