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Lost Journal: New Year’s Resolutions for 1984

Jan 072013
 By , January 7, 2013

Journal entry: January 1, 1984 (age 14) — New Year’s Resolutions

So far, it’s been a tumultuous freshman year at Seton Catholic Central High School.  I’m starting to get the hang of things, but I still have a long way to go.  This New Year’s seems like a particularly important time to better myself with some firm resolutions.  Last year’s unmet goal of bulking up to a weight of 125 pounds notwithstanding, I am determined to make some changes this time.  Here we go.

  • Attend Seton Booster Club meetings to urge that we replace our innocuous “Saints” moniker with something more menacing (e.g., “the Inquisitors,” or “the Scythe of God”).
  • During ski club trips to Greek Peak, concentrate on not injuring myself while “dismounting” the chair lift.
  • Use leftover funds from my freshman class vice-presidential campaign to establish a slush fund for my new video-game advocacy group, PacManPAC.
  • Sleep less, but enjoy it more.
  • At the B.C. Open, follow Craig Stadler around and yell “Coo coo ca choo” whenever he’s putting.
  • Encourage facial hair growth by listening to ZZ Top cassettes at bedtime.
  • Use family’s new video cassette recorder to assemble a complete library of The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo.
  • Organize a neighborhood bake sale to get in on the ground floor of the Mondale for President juggernaut.
  • Marry Adrienne Barbeau.
  • Lead a discussion group comparing the societal impact of George Orwell’s book, 1984 with Van Halen’s album, 1984.
  • Usurp school authority by disingenuously appearing in the yearbook’s Fishing Club photo.
  • Intimidate track and field opponents at the starting line by staring at them and muttering “Yep, brand new Keds over here.”
  • Recount the Thompson Twins – something seems off.
  • Replace my inferior knit shirts featuring a small, embroidered tiger on the left breast with vastly superior knit shirts featuring a small, embroidered ALLIGATOR on the left breast.
  • Join Clara Peller’s quixotic quest to determine where the beef is.

If I can pull off even half of these goals and resolutions, I’ll be well on my way to being a sophomore to be reckoned with.  Then I can enter the mid-1980s with Mr. T-like strength, and Duran Duran-like reflexes.

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Buy your copy of "Lost Journal - the Book" at Each Lost Journal column is a journal entry written in retrospect. In other words, Mollen chooses a different day from his past, and writes about it as though it were today. The date may be last week, Halloween 1980, or the day he was born (May 4, 1969). Some of you may be asking, “But how would he have been able to write a journal entry on the day he was born?” To you he says: “Lighten up. It’s a humor column.” Mollen is a nationally syndicated columnist and actor, and he is available as a speaker on writing and humor.

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