Journal entry: January 1, 1984 (age 14) — New Year’s Resolutions
So far, it’s been a tumultuous freshman year at Seton Catholic Central High School. I’m starting to get the hang of things, but I still have a long way to go. This New Year’s seems like a particularly important time to better myself with some firm resolutions. Last year’s unmet goal of bulking up to a weight of 125 pounds notwithstanding, I am determined to make some changes this time. Here we go.
- Attend Seton Booster Club meetings to urge that we replace our innocuous “Saints” moniker with something more menacing (e.g., “the Inquisitors,” or “the Scythe of God”).
- During ski club trips to Greek Peak, concentrate on not injuring myself while “dismounting” the chair lift.
- Use leftover funds from my freshman class vice-presidential campaign to establish a slush fund for my new video-game advocacy group, PacManPAC.
- Sleep less, but enjoy it more.
- At the B.C. Open, follow Craig Stadler around and yell “Coo coo ca choo” whenever he’s putting.
- Encourage facial hair growth by listening to ZZ Top cassettes at bedtime.
- Use family’s new video cassette recorder to assemble a complete library of The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo.
- Organize a neighborhood bake sale to get in on the ground floor of the Mondale for President juggernaut.
- Marry Adrienne Barbeau.
- Lead a discussion group comparing the societal impact of George Orwell’s book, 1984 with Van Halen’s album, 1984.
- Usurp school authority by disingenuously appearing in the yearbook’s Fishing Club photo.
- Intimidate track and field opponents at the starting line by staring at them and muttering “Yep, brand new Keds over here.”
- Recount the Thompson Twins – something seems off.
- Replace my inferior knit shirts featuring a small, embroidered tiger on the left breast with vastly superior knit shirts featuring a small, embroidered ALLIGATOR on the left breast.
- Join Clara Peller’s quixotic quest to determine where the beef is.
If I can pull off even half of these goals and resolutions, I’ll be well on my way to being a sophomore to be reckoned with. Then I can enter the mid-1980s with Mr. T-like strength, and Duran Duran-like reflexes.
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