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New Law Requires Gun Manufacturers to Clean Up Bodies After Massacres

Jan 152013
 By , January 15, 2013

A new wrinkle in the gun control debate has come about. Sick of the inordinate control that gun makers have over our society and the political influence that have upon our government, a massive petition campaign has brought about a new law making gun manufacturers responsible for cleaning up the mess left after a mass shooting.

After another mall massacre in California, the Bushmaster Firearms International Corporation, the company whose gun the psycho used to blast 6 people, had to go in with trash bags and pick up the blasted pieces of flesh left scattered by the ferocity of the gun used.

Gagging as he picked up brain pieces from a bench, Charles Numnuts, a marketing analyst, said, “Oh God! I had no idea it would be like this! I thought it would be like in the cowboy movies that I saw where somebody gets shot and just falls off his horse and lies still! I didn’t think there would be so much … blood!” Mr. Numnuts suddenly had to back off and wretch into a waste can.

Sally Graball, a major gun manufacturers shareholder, had on expensive elbow length fashion gloves to protect her hands from the gore she squeamishly had to scoop into a can. “Ewwwww! This is so gross!! I can’t believe this was once a human. I mean, I have seen gross stuff on CSI, but somehow in real life it is somehow … more real …”

Vice President Samuel Musclemouth, a former Marine, was more hard-nosed about it as he helped to swab the thick blood off the tiled floor. “This isn’t our fault!” he spoke accusatively. “It was a nut case who bought it from a gun show. Are we responsible for him being a looney? Nooooooo!!!”

Musclemouth savagely wished the mop around, an errant couple fingers not conforming to the mop’s wish to capture them. “That is life. These people just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. That is how it goes. This is no reason to deprive us of the joy of owning and using high powered, multi-chambered guns powerful enough to destroy an entire checkout line.”

One individual actually seemed overjoyed and ebullient about being there cleaning up the mess.

Armament and design engineer Barry Strangelove expressed wonder over what he found as he collected the scattered limbs and tried to help police detectives match them with the right torso. “This is great! I had no idea that the model .223 had this much power. I had a lot to do with its makeup,” he stated proudly. “I was also a key figure in the bullets that leave a bigger hole exiting than entering. I can now see how effective they are. That should be of great interest to governments around the world and do wonder for gun manufacturers’ sales. And from the kickbacks I’ll be able to put a new deck on my summer home!”

After hearing Mr. Strangelove, even the hardened detectives present were retching.

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Roger Freed has a fertile, if somewhat warped, imagination. Read him at your own risk! More laugh gaffes available at Semi-Humorous Humor. For something in a more serious mode get "The Book Of Songs" by Roger Freed from A collection of short stories illustrating the subtle and powerful influence music can have on our minds and our spirits.

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