[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
E. Edmund Worthington, a foremost prognosticator in the world of weapons pricing, is warning potential gun buyers to save their cash and quit buying guns.
“The prices are way too high now folks,” said Worthington in a voice resembling a concerned father, as he began talking about the crazy run on guns taking place all over America.
“Even if you have a gun permit or are sane enough to apply for one, it’s just too much of a financial risk,” he warned his rapt audience at the annual American Armament and Bankers Conference in Roanoke, Virginia.
Worthington likened the gun bubble to the 2008 housing bubble, and says it is a real thing. He related the story of one gun buyer who was in the market for a revolver.
“Two months ago that gun would have cost him only $300, but because he was uneducated and in a panic,” said Worthington, “the man ended up spending upwards of $1200 for the same gun. Just like the over-priced home, this guy’s gun will eventually end up ‘under water.’”
Worthington finished his lecture with this piece of advice. “If you are just buying them to make a profit, save your dough, ’cause two things are gonna happen. First of all, you can’t buy it now without taking out a second mortgage out on your already over-priced home, and secondly, think about it folks, there are 300 million guns in America. Don’tcha think the market’s just a bit saturated?”
Worthington’s last comment was met with several boos and hisses, but after he was finished speaking, the crowd was hushed, and a nervous twitter enveloped the large conference center located at the local Roanoke Holiday Inn. Attendees were lovingly stroking their over-priced firearms, as the fear of Worthington’s words began to sink in.
What Worthington was trying to get across is that the time to buy low and sell high has run its course, and after a month or so, that $2,000 Derringer is going to go back to its regular price of $139.95 plus tax, or so he predicts. He claims that when the bottom falls out of the weapons trade, those high-priced, high-powered rifles aren’t gonna be worth the powder to blow them to hell.
In a related news story, a class-action lawsuit has been brought against the largest gun dealer in Little Hope, Arkansas accusing him of price gouging. The lawsuit claims that Hubert “Bertie” Folsom is charging upwards of $1000 for handguns that even on the black market would only fetch maybe $300.
One of Folsom’s regular customers brought the lawsuit after he begged and pleaded Bertie to sell him a couple of guns at the “before-panic” price so that he’d have enough money left over to feed his family. John Dodger claims Folsom just laughed at him and told him to pony up or get outta his store.
Similar lawsuits are expected to be filed all over the country as more and more gun shop owners price their merchandise out of reach for their regular customers. This practice, say the Plaintiffs, is clearly putting many law-abiding citizens at a distinct disadvantage in exercising their 2nd Amendment rights.
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