[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Millions lose faith in world apocalypse ever materializing
Psychiatrists and therapists worldwide are reporting a huge increase in clients seeking help for depression since the new year began. The reason seems to be that millions were looking forward to the end of the world, and were not prepared to go on with their boring lives.
“I’m bummed,” says Anita Bumstead, a resident of Pensacola, Florida. “I don’t want to work in that crummy office for that jerk boss anymore, and I was looking forward to something exciting in my life – the end of the world.”
Despite world governments’ persistent efforts, life continues to exist on Earth. Somehow, allowing widespread pollution, ever-spiraling increases in global warming gases, record numbers of wars and the proliferation of nukes has not yet obliterated life on Earth.
“Apocalyptic movies have raised expectations,” says Professor Robert Freeman of Colorado University at Boulder. “Whether by a huge meteor, floods, earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear war or whatever – people are expecting end times. And when the most credible prediction yet failed to materialize last December, people just lost faith. Going on has just become a real chore.”
“Just talking about it depresses me. I need a drink,” Freeman added.
Religious people are some of the most discouraged. Many are getting impatient, hoping for the rapture each time the end is predicted.
“Hell, the bible even predicts it. But when?” asked televangelist Pat Robertson recently on his show, The 700 Club. “We’ve waited long enough, Oh Lord, bring it on! Evil is proliferating, and it’s time to clean house. Bring down your holy janitor angels and let their brooms of righteousness sweep away the wicked. But first, please give us a date we can believe in.”
Ironically, people discouraged by life continuing may bring the end on sooner. Professor Freeman noted that depressed people in positions of power could end it all with a flip of the switch.
“Leaders could start a nuclear war, of course. But I’ve heard tell of a secret organization forming, consisting of discouraged professionals and plant operators that are trying to coordinate the end times. They could really accomplish this, by causing nuke plant meltdowns, dam failures, missile launches, fires, food and water shortages and so on.”
“I want them to know,” he went on, “if they read this, that this could cause a terrible loss of life, and the end of the world as we know it. And that I’m willing to help any way I can. Oh, the humanity!”
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