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Fun With The News: Obama, Guns & More

Jan 182013
 By , January 18, 2013

In the news, Bill Clinton hosts the annual Bob Hope Desert Classic in Palm Springs all week. He’s a loyal Democrat. To back President Obama’s gun control measures Bill Clinton has agreed to stop pointing finger guns and firing at marginally attractive waitresses in diners.

President Obama deputized doctors Wednesday to ask patients if they have guns and where they keep them. This can’t happen. When you consider where doctors have their hands while they’re interrogating you, it makes waterboarding look like a neck massage.

President Obama gets inaugurated Monday on the same day as Martin Luther King‘s birthday. That explains the flood of executive orders lately. We should have known that once Congress approved a King Holiday that someday a president would misunderstand it.

An L.A. judge banned former porn actress Stacy Hollis from teaching in L.A. Tuesday, say news sources. It’s obvious why. It’s one thing for teachers to have affairs with the students, but bringing in a pro could jeopardize their amateur standing and put their college scholarships at risk.

Brent Musberger referred to two female courtside ESPN reporters as smoking hot Monday. Last week he went ape over Miss Alabama on the air. A year from now Brent will be admitting to Oprah Winfrey that he won Broadcaster of the Year while on Androgel.

In sports news, Major League Soccer terminated Livestrong Foundation’s stadium-naming deal with Kansas City’s soccer stadium due to the Lance Armstrong scandal. Livestrong Stadium was a forty thousand seat venue. Now it’s an eighty thousand seat venue and it can’t explain why.

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance enhancing drugs to win his Tour de France titles. His wins have been revoked. Lance’s record for rolling through France in twenty-three days has been returned to Adolf Hitler, who did it in twenty-four days.

The National Hockey League begins its season Saturday after months of delay due to a lockout that nearly cancelled the season. Fans can’t wait. Americans are desperate to enjoy senseless bloody fighting over something besides the debt ceiling and gun control.

The NRA aired an ad Tuesday calling President Obama an elitist hypocrite. The gun crowd hates Obama and Obama hates the gun crowd and it has nothing to do with race. It’s taken Americans four hundred years to get to this point and it’s a cause for celebration.

President Obama demanded a bill requiring background checks for any private gun sales Tuesday. He wants to know who has guns and where they are. Now everyone in the Mexican drug cartel has to make a doctor’s appointment and tell where they keep the guns.

Hillary Clinton refused to answer any questions about U.S. citizens taken hostage in Algeria Wednesday. She also won’t answer questions about the Benghazi raid. Four years ago the administration ended the War on Terror and replaced it with the War on Answers.

The NYPD asked New York pharmacies to battle drug thefts by placing a GPS chip on every prescription bottle. We’re living in a police state. They wound up arresting hundreds of homeowners for failure to throw the plastic bottle in the proper recycling bin.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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