[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
I SAID, “NRA MEMBERS SUFFERING FROM HEARING DISORDER”!
Scientific study of NRA members shows they have a vacillating hearing problem, in which they hear certain things in clarity, but not others.
“It is a really strange phenomena.” stated Irving Earwig, a specialist with the “Can You Hear Me Now?” Ear Institute of Huh? in Mississippi. “If you say to them, ‘The government is not taking away your guns, they only want to limit high chambered guns and guns of mass destruction,’ they will only hear ‘taking away your guns…’ and start screaming bloody murder. But if you say to them, ‘Hey, there is a gun show at the fairgrounds and they have Bushmasters on sale!’ they will say, ‘Wow! Let’s go!’ They hear that just fine. Then if you say, ‘We need some gun control,’ they hear, ‘We are going to pour super glue into your gun barrels, then ship in some LA street gangs to your neighborhood to steal your car and force you to take drugs.’ It is very strange.”
Mr. Earwig went on, “If we say ‘Obama did not want to get into gun debate and did nothing about it until the Sandy Creek massacre,’ they hear, ‘Obama has had an agenda for getting rid of our guns since he left his socialist/al Qaeda training post in Kenya.. If someone says, ‘No one needs assault rifles,’ they hear ‘Zombies from Neptune are going to attack the U.S. and rape your hunting dog and you need a rapid fire machine gun with splintering bullets to fight them off.’”
“We suspect that the hearing damage comes from the constant shooting with a gun right next to their heads,” Earwig said. “Too much hunting, too much skeet shooting, too much target practice without hear protection, too much listening to NRA propaganda ministers screaming their doctrine which can be damaging to the hearing and nerves too. This plus having a nagging wife complaining about your muddy boots on the living room rug and about when are you going to spend time with the kids.”
When called about the research, the NRA spokes person had this to say: “What’s that? You are asking if we have a swearing problem? Damn right we do! What do you expect us to do but swear when we have that coon so-called President wanting to take our guns away and amputate our hands like they do in the Congo where he is from….what’s that? A ‘hearing’ problem? Oh, I’m sorry. Nah, our ears are just fine, thank you! Nice of you to ask. What did you say?”
The NRA President, Wayne LaPierre, famously known as a fair-minded, balanced individual, said, “Huh? What?” when asked about the study. “You called me a fuddy? Like Elmer Fudd? I’ll show you wise ass!” He then pulled out a sawed off shotgun and pointed it at us, saying, “You want this? Try taking it from me! C’mon punk, make my day!”
Even after he finally understood that we had said “study” he still chased us down the street because he was getting high off chasing people with a lethal weapon. The same scientists who made the hearing study are now planning on making a study of people who enjoy chasing people with lethal weapons. But it makes them nervous just thinking about it.
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