[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Fast Food: No Worries About Obesity Means Even More Bacon Options in Kids Meals
Washington, DC – The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval on a vaccine that, when administered at a young age, will allow children to eat anything they want without gaining any fat. The obesity vaccine was developed in answer to the USDA’s failed “MyPlate” program, which replaced the even more disastrous MyPyramid Food Chart, both of which have done little to curtail the rising epidemic of obesity in America.
Given at an early age, the obesity vaccine immunizes children from the ill effects suffered from a high-fat, high-sugar diet, and allows them to continue eating all the things that had once been bad for them without jeopardizing their health by becoming morbidly obese.
“Soon, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and other conditions that eventually kill more than a third of our population will be a thing of the past…just as soon as this last generation is gone,” said Dr. Hewitt Dimwoody, chief research scientist who helped develop the vaccine.
The doctor went on to explain that unfortunately, the only people the vaccine will help are small children who have not yet developed an irreversible addiction to fats and sugars. This leaves the entire adult population still pretty much risking their lives if they even think about stopping by their local fast food restaurant and ordering a Baconator with a super side of fries, washed down with their favorite liquid sugar.
The vaccine is expected to be ready for use in time for the beginning of the 2014 school year. Children will be required to have the vaccine before entering pre-K so that school lunch programs can continue to serve hot dogs, fish sticks, and mac and cheese without any longer putting their students at a high risk of becoming fat.
Asked what this means for the USDA, a spokesperson replied “We are actually very satisfied that this vaccine has been approved by the FDA. We were pretty well fed up with the CDC constantly on our backs to come up with a nutritious food program to fight obesity in this country in order to bring diabetes and heart disease back down to a manageable level.”
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