[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“I’m crazy, I’m nuts. Just the way my brain works. I’m not normal.” — Justin Bieber
LONDON, ONTARIO — In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Scooter Braun, manager of Canadian teen-pop idol Justin Bieber, revealed that the young star is seeking professional help for what he describes as “recurring, and almost debilitating, normal thoughts.”
“Justin has had a serious relapse, but he is getting the help he needs,” said Braun. “Our team of celebrity psychiatrists have assured me that Justin will not suffer any long-term effects from these thoughts and that he will be back to spreading Bieber Fever in no time.”
According to sources close to the Biebers, the incident occurred after Justin witnessed his half-brother put his pant legs on one at a time. This supposedly caused the pop sensation to crawl up into the fetal position and call out, “Baby, No!” and “It’s not the same!” repeatedly.
Mr. Braun and his head psychiatrist, Ima Kwak, went on to divulge that, although this was not the first time this sort of thing had happened, it was the most pronounced.
“Justin is young and still a bit naive,” reported Dr. Kwak. “Take, for example, the issue with the blue jeans. It’s baffling to realize that he doesn’t know that real superstars put their pants on two legs at a time. It’s one of the things that makes them special and sets them apart from the little people. It’s also just really cool.
But this is an easy issue to deal with — at least on the surface.” Dr. Kwak went on. ” Underneath, however, we still have some work to do. In my professional opinion, Justin needs to become a belieber in Beiber as so many millions have come to belieb in him and idolize him for his unbeliebableness. If he can do this, then he can finally put all of these silly thoughts of normalcy behind him forever.”
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